east village idiot

I complain a lot. You all know that. That’s why you read my blog, I presume. But I usually internalize that anger, or just toss it up on my blog with a tounge-in-cheek quip. But there are some situations where that anger spills over, and I just have to say something to the target of my frustration.

Here’s the situation: it was 7:35am at Kennedy Airport. I was rushing to the gate to make my 7:55 flight, which had already started boarding. I still had to cross over to another concourse within the terminal. It’s a pretty long hallway connecting the two concourses, but luckily, there’s a series of moving walkways between them.

I get on one. Then this happens:

I should have seen this coming. I did, actually, see it coming. I already had my phone out at the ready to take this picture, because I was in complete disbelief.

“Excuse me,” I said. Somehow, this couple could not find a way to keep their luggage on ONE SIDE of the moving walkway. And how gentlemanly of this guy to give this woman the responsibility of holding BOTH pieces of their luggage, creating a barrier across the walkway.

“EXCUSE ME,” I shouted, a bit louder this time. They still ignore me. I moved closer to the bags, then kicked one gently, as though I was tripping over it. This should be a clear signal that I want to get by. But they didn’t move. Nearly a minute later, when we finally got to the end of the walkway, I stormed around them, turned back, and yelled:

THAT IS CALLED A MOVING WALKWAY. IT IS CALLED THAT BECAUSE YOU SHOULD WALK ON IT. IF YOU’RE LOOKING FOR A CONVEYOR BELT FOR YOUR LUGGAGE, CHECK IT!

I hope I made the end of their trip to New York City memorable and enjoyable.

Seen at a bar on College Street in Burlington, Vermont

Probability that the Boston Red Sox will win the World Series: 32.8%
Probability that the Chicago Cubs will win the World Series: 15.9%
Probability that a Fox executive has creamed his pants at the prospect of a Cubs-Red Sox World Series: 100.0%
Probability that any sane baseball fan would look forward to Fox’s coverage of a Cubs-Red Sox World Series: 0.0%

HI. I WRITE ABOUT MY TRIVIA NIGHT A LOT. - I promised myself that after Lozo’s hilarious hit piece on me (boy, he had my number), I wouldn’t write about my trivia night this week. But I am writing about it, if only to point out that I had to pass on going to the Home Run Derby tonight for free just to host trivia. So, come to Triviotic tonight. It starts at 8pm, and the Derby will be on TV there… since it’s the only way I’ll be seeing it. And there will be a category about baseball.

This morning, the guy in front of me getting on the subway was wearing a faded t-shirt that wouldn’t have normally caught my eye. It’s just your typical vintage t-shirt with some phrase or place or sports team that’s obscure enough that nobody will really care to dissect - it just looks cool.

Nothing would be particularly unusual about this t-shirt, except that this is the church that my parents and grandparents went attended. And on top of that, I distinctly remember going to their Heritage Festival in June of 1994. My grandparents took me. They had lots of rides and a clown that kind of freaked out my little sister.

The guy wearing it? You couldn’t fit a stereotype more perfectly. He wore dark-rimmed glasses and tight jeans. He was from Ohio and bought the shirt at “some vintage clothing store.” He wasn’t sure where. I’m not even sure he knew where Rhode Island was.

Damn hipsters trying to steal my childhood away from me.

I hate reality television with a burning passion. And thanks to FourFour, I can finally post one YouTube video that shows you exactly why.

It’s a short week this week. I know, it’s a tragedy. Deal with it. What are you going to do tomorrow without a post from me? The same thing you’ve done every day for the past few weeks that I’ve been phoning it in… you’re going to go somewhere else. (Or a bunch of other places, too, all listed on the right. Seriously, those links are there for a reason. Use them. Cherish them. Consider them your new best friends. But I know, I know… you’re not here to make friends.)

I’m in Montreal tonight, banging strippers and watching beers at a bachelor party. Or the other way around. Whatever. Then, it’s on to another wedding. There will be stories, and maybe I won’t get too sentimental.

Have a great weekend.

That Giants game reminded me of the Canadian Dollar: strong and good for four quarters.

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, “Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?”
“I got it for ten dollars, eh.” answers Bob.
“Oh!” exclaims Doug, “Good trade.”

Roy Halladay, the ace for the Blue Jays, has 10 wins, but that’s only 10 wins in Canadian.

“Why won’t you take this Canadian quarter,” the customer at the bodega asks.
The cashier replies, “well, you’re making me take this all the way to the bank to cash it in for the same value!”

In Canada, we have two seasons: vacationing in Florida thanks to the favorable exchange rate, and July.

Canada: America’s Diamond-Studded Top Hat

I’m going to Canada tomorrow for the first time in three years, back when I could get $1.25 in Canadian currency for a buck. It just won’t be the same. Nor will these jokes.

Triviotic had a huge turnout last night. I think I need to stock up on more answer sheets. I almost didn’t have enough sheets for the picture round.

Congratulations to the victors, Dick Pearson and Co., who came out on top after a tiebreaker round where they had to name the last 11 winners of the Emmy Award for Outstanding Drama Series.

Remember, you can join us every Monday night at 8pm at Arrow, 85 Avenue A. The answers are after the jump.

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Here’s an ad for a wine shop I saw in a magazine called Edible Brooklyn over the weekend:

Seems pretty standard… a chance to sign up for their e-mail list, some nice accolades from Ed Levine, some claims of their amenities, like temperature-controlled storage, free delivery, major credit cards, discounts, and…

Holy fucking shit, are you kidding me? This has gone too far, Brooklyn. You’re taking your kids to wine shops now? Are you teaching your toddler to be a sommelier? A wine shop is not an opportunity for mommy socializing and playgroup. It’s a place to buy alcoholic beverages consumed by adults. Jesus Christ, are you so fucking attached to your kids that you can’t let go of them for a few minutes to run to the wine shop? What’s next? Bars with high chairs? Strip clubs with family seating areas? YOUR CHILDREN ARE NOT ACCESSORIES THAT YOU WEAR EVERYWHERE.

Triviotic: A Trivia Night
Tonight at 8pm
at
Arrow
85 Avenue A (between 5th & 6th)
New York
New York
USA
Planet Earth

2-for-1 drinks till 9

Winner gets a bar tab and a nifty little certificate

Be there
or
Be sober