east village idiot

Back in Time

Last night, when stepping onto a subway train, I stepped back in time. I was suddenly transported to a time where crackheads ruled the city and the NYPD was virtually nowhere to be found.

At about 9:30 last night, my girlfriend and I stepped into the front car of a downtown A train at Columbus Circle. As soon as the doors closed, we looked at each other. “Do you smell smoke,” we asked each other simultaneously. Indeed we did, but we couldn’t figure out where it was coming from until we followed the glances of our fellow passengers. Behind us, I saw a weak-looking, clearly-intoxicated man with a lighter, and he was lighting something on fire in his hand. I couldn’t quite figure what it was, but I was ready to book as soon as the doors opened at the next stop.

Then, I overheard other passengers gossiping about the man:

“Is that money?” I turned back around. Indeed it was.

“Oh my god, is he smoking that?” One more time back around. Yes, he definitely was. This guy was insane, and he was probably trying to get high off the cash he used to snort a line. Holy fucking shit, I do not want to mess around with this guy.

Nor did anyone else. When the doors opened at Times Square, the entire car bailed out. With shocking efficiency, the MTA conductor stepped out, saw what was happening, and immediately radioed for police. Then the waiting game began:

“Ladies and gentlemen, this train is delayed due to police activity. We should be moving shortly.”

Except there was no police activity. From the second train car, we watched as the man kept smoking and smoking. We watched the conductor stand helplessly in the door waiting for the police. For nearly ten minutes, at a subway station with a manned police precinct, our train sat still in the station with not an officer in sight. Curious onlookers loomed outside the doors of the train, looking towards the front of the train at the conductor, then looking towards the back of the train to see an empty platform.

After all that waiting, a C Train pulled into the station across the platform. Rather than wait it out and see how this all panned out in the end, we hopped on the other train.

I don’t know what surprised me more: a guy smoking money on the subway, or the slow police response time to a guy smoking money on the subway. Either way, it was a nice throwback to the pre-Giuliani days of graffiti-covered trains and crime-ridden streets. If I hadn’t known any better, I could’ve walked upstairs to street level and gotten mugged on my way to a peep show.

Posted in Subway Stupidity on 6/26/2008 | 24 Comments »

This Is A Black & White Picture of Me Air-Fiddling In a Tuxedo.

Well, that was a bit embarassing. 

Hello, dear reader. Things at EVI HQ have been a little hectic lately. First, I was shipped off to the Midwest to sit in a room, then stand in a room, then sit in a room, then stand in a room, and so on and so forth, while someone chanted in a foreign language. Then, I was placed in front of the world’s largest scoreboard and subjected to a game between the San Francisco Giants and Kansas City Royals. Then I was forced to travel via commercial airline - and that was the only bright spot of the trip (thanks to the freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies).

I kid, I kid. The Bat Mitzvah wasn’t bad, either.

Anyway, I apologize for leaving you high and dry lately. And there’s so much I’d like to talk about.

For example, did you know that people who moved to suburbs that are really far from their jobs are complaining about high gas prices?

But life on the edges of suburbia is beginning to feel untenable. Mr. Boyle and his wife must drive nearly an hour to their jobs in the high-tech corridor of southern Denver. With gasoline at more than $4 a gallon, Mr. Boyle recently paid $121 to fill his pickup truck with diesel fuel. (emphasis mine)

Poor guy! He can’t afford his commute anymore! How could he possibly make that more affordable? Gee, I’m really stumped on this one.

I promise, I’ll have plenty more to tell you sometime soon. But in the meantime, enjoy this picture of the worst subway ad… ever.

Posted in Odds and Ends on 6/25/2008 | 9 Comments »

Friday Finisher: Off for the Weekend

Not that you’d notice, but I’m heading out of town for the weekend. I will be back Monday for Arrow’s weekly trivia night, Triviotic, though. Mark your calendar.

• • • • • • •

Last night, I was held hostage by an L Train that decided to skip 3rd Avenue and 1st Avenue without any warning. There was no announcement by the train crew at all. The L Train creeped through 3rd Avenue, then sped right up. Then it blew through 1st Avenue, while dozens of passengers moaned in disbelief.

One angry passenger decided to page the conductor using the emergency intercom. What follows is the conversation:

Conductor: Is this an emergency?
Passenger: What the fuck are you doing? You PASSED 1st AVENUE!
Conductor: I made the announcement that the next stop would be Bedford Avenue.
Several Passengers [in Unison]: No, you didn’t.

[Silence; passenger hits emergency intercom button again]

Conductor: This is for emergencies only!
Passenger: You’re an ass!
Conductor: Okay, thank you.

• • • • • • •

And now, the music video of the week. It was the #1 song in the U.S. 20 years ago this week. But instead of giving you the actual music video (you can watch that here), I’ve done one better. Grab your mic, and please don’t hate me - this is timely!

Posted in Friday Finisher on 6/20/2008 | 7 Comments »

A Sign You Don’t Want to See in Your Building’s Foyer

I spotted this sign in a friend’s apartment building in Brooklyn last weekend. It’s, um, a bit bothersome. It also provides a pretty good idea of how well you really want to get to know your neighbors.

On the bright side, at least he was courteous enough to wrap it up.

Posted in General stupidity on 6/18/2008 | 6 Comments »

Life’s a Huge Standing Puddle of Water

Over the weekend, I celebrated my birthday on a sunny early afternoon at Water Taxi Beach.

Unfortunately, that sunny early afternoon quickly turned into a stormy late afternoon. If you recall, it pretty much rained from 4pm onwards on Saturday. And by “rained,” I mean, “looked like the world was about to end given the thunderstorms, hail, high winds, and plagues of locusts.”

Water Taxi Beach’s staff quickly shuffled everyone into their tent when the storms approached. This was for safety’s sake, obviously, since the only place to take shelter on their “beach” is an electrified light-up artificial palm tree. We gathered up all our drinks and headed into the tent.

After nearly two hours in a sweaty tent with loud dance music, the worst of the storms finally passed. It could be worse: I could’ve been out in the rain. And the very accommodating staff at Water Taxi Beach passed around tons of free hot dogs for everyone in the tent. Once the storms died down, we found out that they extended happy hour for a couple hours to make up for our misery. We walked over to the bar to learn that Water Taxi Beach was no longer a beach.

Welcome to Water Taxi Pond.

I don’t even want to know what was in the water, but I scrubbed my feet down that night.

Posted in Food and Booze on 6/18/2008 | 2 Comments »

Yes, Triviotic is Tonight. No, I’m Not Dead.

Hey you! Yeah, you! Did you know that you can play trivia tonight at Triviotic, the longest-running* trivia event at Arrow (85 Avenue A between 5th & 6th)? Bring a team, or just yourself. There’s 2-for-1 drinks till 9, too, if the whole trivia thing isn’t your bag.

Details are here.

* based on comparison to other trivia events at Arrow, of which there are none

Posted in Triviotic on 6/16/2008 | 3 Comments »

East Village: The Next Park Slope?

After coming upon this scene a couple weeks ago in front of Pommes Frites on 2nd Avenue, I began to worry that my neighborhood’s sidewalks would soon be mobbed by the stroller mafia.

I can only hope that they were just visiting. This clearly isn’t a group of Park Slope Mommies - they insist on feeding their offspring only organic, baked potatoes - not the ones fried in hot oil.

Posted in Life in NYC on 6/16/2008 | 9 Comments »

Where Customer Service Takes On A Whole New Meaning

This morning, I ducked into the Cafe Metro near my office to grab a bagel before work this morning. I would normally wait in line at the coffee cart on the corner, but given the fact that it was already 90 DEGREES AT 9AM, I decided that waiting in air-conditioned comfort would be preferable this morning.

I should’ve known better, of course. I’ve had problems with this place before, but I’m willing to tolerate them, since Cafe Metro is providing me with a comfortable respite on my walk to work. The tourist couple in front of me ordered two bagels and a smoothie. Of course, the bagel guy doesn’t do smoothies, so he told the couple to order that from the cashier. Meanwhile, the bagel guy started to complete my order - a relatively simple order. He managed to screw it up by walking the bagel up to the toaster (even though I specifically said untoasted) and then putting plain cream cheese on it (even though I specifically said scallion cream cheese). Once the kinks were worked out, he handed me my bagel.

At this point, the tourist couple was still at the cashier, who was struggling to concoct the smoothie. She and the bagel guy started to work together to gather the ingredients. When it became apparent that they were missing something, the bagel guy motioned to the customer behind me in line, and pointed to a fruit basket across the store.

“Hey, buddy,” the bagel guy shouted. “Can you grab me two bananas from over there?”

HE ASKED THE CUSTOMER TO DO HIS JOB FOR HIM. This boggled my mind. It also boggled the mind of that customer behind me. “Huh?”

“Get me two bananas and I’ll make you your bagel,” the bagel guy yelled over the counter. The customer, obviously hungry, went across the room, grabbed two bananas, and handed them to the bagel guy, who handed them to the cashier making the smoothie. I guess he was hungry enough to act on the threat: no bananas, no bagel!

At Cafe Metro, the customer services the staff. I don’t think that’s what they had in mind in the staff orientation when they talked about customer service.

Posted in Food and Booze, General stupidity on 6/10/2008 | 7 Comments »

Triviotic is Tonight

As usual, you can find me at Arrow tonight at 8pm hosting their weekly trivia night, Triviotic. Come in early to escape the heat and enjoy 2-for-1 Happy Hour till 9. Details are here.

Posted in Triviotic on 6/09/2008 | No Comments »

amNY Watch: The MTA Wants You to Keep Smoking

This morning, I saw an MTA employee stationed out on the corner of 14th and 1st with a giant garbage can and a stack of copies of today’s amNewYork. He had just put down a huge batch of papers on the sidewalk and picked up a fresh stack when I came up from behind him.

Should I have taken a picture of him? Probably not. He’s kind of an intimidating guy. But by the time I took this picture, it became clear what he was doing: he was taking the New York City Department of Health’s free-standing insert out of every single copy of amNewYork, throwing the insert in the trash, then putting those copies back in the amNewYork racks.

It is so on! The MTA is declaring war on amNewYork! Litter our stations, and we’ll sabotage your advertisers’ campaigns!

Okay, the guy is probably doing it because those inserts will just end up getting dumped all over the subway station. And he probably has to clean that station when unsuspecting readers open up their copies and the inserts fall out all over the floor. But the DOH paid good money for those inserts, and you’ll never get to see them, because a subway employee is working outside his jurisdiction to throw them right in the trash!

Come to think of it, this is a mind-blowing example of governmental waste:

1. The Department of Health, a government agency, funds inserts for an anti-smoking ad campaign using taxpayer dollars.
2. The Metropolitan Transit Authority, a corporation funded with government money, discards the inserts by sending taxpayer-subsidized employees to street level.
3. The Department of Sanitation, a government agency, transports the inserts to landfills in taxpayer-funded trucks where they will not be recycled.

It’s a vicious cycle. The inserts go unseen, people keep smoking, and the DOH has to run yet another ad campaign. Maybe they’ll bring back the guy who talks through the hole in his throat. It was hard to miss that guy, because he was everywhere.

So, you can blame the MTA for making you late. You can blame the MTA for subjecting you to 150-degree platforms in the dead of summer. You can blame the MTA for the extra five dollars you’re paying to take the subway every week. And the next time someone blows cigarette smoke in your face when you’re walking down the sidewalk, I guess you could blame the MTA for that, too.

Posted in Subway Stupidity, amNY Watch on 6/09/2008 | 11 Comments »