east village idiot

Just Wondering…

I just got my new U.S. passport in the mail. The guy at the post office said that it could take “up to four weeks.” I applied on May 12th. My passport was dated May 20th.

Two years ago, I had to get a new New York State License. The woman at the DMV said that it could take “up to four weeks.” I went to the DMV on March 16th. My license was dated April 12th.

So, I ask you this: Why does it take weeks longer for New York State to send a  relatively simple form of identification through the mail than it does for the U.S. Government to send me an ultra-sensitive form of identification with electronic security elements?

Posted in Life in NYC on 5/27/2008 | 7 Comments »

What I Did This Weekend: The First Wedding

It’s a once-in-a-lifetime experience when the first of your friends get married. I’ve been to a handful of weddings before, but just ones of distant relatives. I was not at all prepared for what to expect this past weekend when my friends EJ and Kati exchanged vows (given celebrity coupling patterns, what would that make them? Kee-J? E-Ti?). To top it off, I was in the wedding party. I wasn’t quite ready for this. Hell, I hadn’t even worn a tuxedo since my junior prom.

Being in a friend’s wedding is a rite of passage. Marriage is the last vestige of growing up, after all. Marriage is also the first signal of the upcoming traditions that strip you of spontaneity and youthful vigor. Not that I’m against getting married. It’s just that it’s a gateway drug for all these other dangerous things that adults do: buying a house, having kids, paying for college… once you dabble in these things, you’re hooked for life. Why would anyone do that to themselves?

But after seeing these two friends of mine dance their first dance as a married couple, I knew the answer. There are few words to explain it, but I watched true love blossom. I was with EJ and Kati at the moment they first met, and now I was there on their wedding day. It may sound sappy, but at that moment, it finally made sense.

Then the alcohol started to flow. Open bars at weddings are very, very dangerous. Somewhere, there is a picture of me air guitaring on the dance floor. There was money placed on which groomsman and bridesmaid would be hooking up at the end of the night. The dancing got more and more ridiculous. If any video surfaces of my actions on the dance floor beyond 11pm, it could be potential blackmail material. As special a night as it was, the wedding soon became like any other wild party we used to throw when EJ and I were neighbors: there were a lot of pictures taken of moments that none of us remember.

And so, life returns to normal. Except that EJ and Kati are a married couple, and I have three more of these affairs to look forward to this year (my wallet, on the other hand, will not be looking forward to those). With each of these weddings, my friends all feel a little older, but also a little wiser. Once you’ve seen the first of your friends get married, you know for sure that true love is possible, and it can be found in some of the places you least expect it.

And you also know for sure what you’ll write about on your blog the week after the wedding, especially when the groom begs to be mentioned on your blog for more than two years.

Posted in What I Did This Weekend on 5/27/2008 | 10 Comments »

Let Me Collapse The Mini-Feed

Please? Pretty please? OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHY WON’T YOU LET ME COLLAPSE THE MINI-FEED?!

Posted in Geekery on 5/24/2008 | 4 Comments »

This Week in Badvertising

Facebook is a pit of terrible, terrible advertising. As someone who works in advertising, I cringe every time I see examples of bad targeting, bad copy, and bad strategy. But there’s one ad that keeps popping up on my Facebook sidebar that I have to address. This one:

I am not thirtysomething. I am not very gay. I am not way too single. I do live in Manhattan, but as I’ve established, the thought of Carrie Bradshaw makes me drunk on rageahol. How did this ad show up in my sidebar? Isn’t Facebook supposed to be a treasure trove for great target advertising? The personal data that I enter should make it quite clear that all of the claims in this ad are untrue.

And more troubling: “SGM in New York? Wannabe?” What the hell does that even mean? “Man, I really enjoy my heterosexual long-term relationship, but I’ve always wanted to be a single gay male in New York!” Man, that thought crosses my mind every single day.

I don’t even know what this ad is selling me, but they’ve got the wrong guy.

Posted in Geekery on 5/23/2008 | 4 Comments »

Naval Warfare

Men of New York City,

For the next seven days, you will have a mortal enemy. He is desperate to get laid. In a head-to-head battle, he will always get the girl. You will spend months trying to get into a woman’s pants, and he will get into them in one night. You will wear your very best designer clothing to impress a woman, and your enemy, in his standard-issue polyester uniform, will take that woman home. You will meekly suggest going back to her place, and she will laugh. He’ll suggest the same thing, and she will graciously accept, and perhaps even offer to pay cab fare. You will wonder what consequences come with taking a woman home, like how long you have to wait to call her back after that night. Your enemy won’t even be in New York in a week, or a month, or perhaps a year. He’ll be out at sea, somewhere far, far away.

Gentlemen, this is your enemy:

Beware Fleet Week. He may be a mere Seaman on the open waters, but for the next seven days, he is the Captain of the Civilian Cockblock.

Posted in Life in NYC on 5/22/2008 | 19 Comments »

I Will Never Fly American Airlines Again.

Dear American Airlines,

I’m done with you. Absolutely done.

Despite my friends constantly badgering, you have been my airline of choice for a good part of the last decade. I defended you when people said they had bad experiences. When friends said that you were “old-fashioned” and “bloated,” I would say, “yes, but they still work. And they’ve gone out of their way to fix any bump in the road I’ve ever had.” 

I had every reason to defend you: it’s easy to get to JFK, your prices have been relatively reasonable, you haven’t screwed me over, and when I faced the prospect of getting stuck in O’Hare for a whole day, you gladly changed my reservation - on an award ticket!

But today, we are through. I will never fly your airline again after the announcement you made today.

YOU ARE CHARGING $15 TO CHECK A BAG. A BAG. ONE BAG.

Screw you. If other airlines jump on board this obscene policy, you are to blame. The government has made it illegal for me to carry liquids through security. The only way to get past this is to check a bag.

Do I want to bring a bottle of wine for being a houseguest? $15.

Am I having a bout of extremely dry skin and need to carry a bottle of lotion? $15.

Is my tube of toothpaste 1 ounce too large to get through security? $15.

You say that this will help you cover fuel costs. Heavy planes cost more to operate. In the end, it’s just a big fuck you to your passengers.

If I check a 20-pound bag of luggage and weigh 180 pounds, I pay $15. Yet the 300-pound fat guy wedging me into my seat took a massive backpack, so he pays nothing. He also spent five minutes trying to jam it into the overhead bin, holding up the entire plane by slowing down the boarding process. Oh, and before he got there, it took him ten minutes to shove his backpack through the x-ray machine at security, slowing up the entire airport.

And you want to charge me $15. Each way, by the way. Fuck you. We’re through.

Your Formerly Loyal Customer,
Chris

Posted in On the Road on 5/21/2008 | 24 Comments »

Find the Sheep

There are at least 25 in this picture, taken around 7pm last night.

And just so we’re clear, unlike Dunkin Donuts and McDonald’s last week, Trader Joe’s wasn’t giving anything away last night.

Posted in Life in NYC on 5/20/2008 | 12 Comments »

Triviotic: Last Night’s Answers

It was another close match, and this week’s winner, The Rum, took the first place spot over regular contenders Hobo Camp and Glacial Pace. Here are the answers to last night’s questions.

If you’ve got a hankering to answer questions like these, join us every Monday night at 8pm for Triviotic at Arrow, 85 Avenue A. And yes, despite the holiday, it’s game on next Monday. Memorial Day is a great day to get drunk and lose your memory.

Answers after the jump…

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in Triviotic on 5/20/2008 | 4 Comments »

Triviotic is Tonight

As usual, Triviotic is on like Donkey Kong. It all starts at 8pm at Arrow (85 Avenue A between 5th & 6th Sts.). To see last week’s questions, go here. You’ll get a taste of what’s to come this week. Don’t worry, they won’t be as hard this week. I promise. Or do I?

Now, marvel at my high-tech flyer-making skillz.

Posted in Triviotic on 5/19/2008 | 2 Comments »

Great Moments in Vandalism

Given the fact that my last post showed that two NYC Parks Department employees have enough free time to harass innocent people, maybe the person who defaced this sign knows more than I first thought.

Posted in Life in NYC on 5/19/2008 | No Comments »