east village idiot

…but I can’t decide whether to rant about the rampant homophobia at the New York Post, or do my duty as a Red Sox fan and simply make an “A-Rod is Gay” joke.

Probability that the Boston Red Sox will win the World Series: 32.8%
Probability that the Chicago Cubs will win the World Series: 15.9%
Probability that a Fox executive has creamed his pants at the prospect of a Cubs-Red Sox World Series: 100.0%
Probability that any sane baseball fan would look forward to Fox’s coverage of a Cubs-Red Sox World Series: 0.0%

I went to a Kansas City Royals game a couple weeks ago, and I had the pleasure of sitting directly behind their new All-You-Can-Eat Seats. For a few extra dollars tacked onto the price of your ticket, you get a wristband that entitles you to free hot dogs, nachos, popcorn, peanuts, and soda for the entire game.

Not surprisingly, you can probably guess what type of person patronizes the All-You-Can-Eat Seats.

5:10 PM Ben: wanna go see santana on saturday afternoon?  i have a ticket

  seat’s not great

  but it’s free [I frantically search Pollstar and Santana’s web site, wondering why I don’t know about a Santana concert happening on a Saturday afternoon in or around New York City. I am baffled.] 

5:12 PM me: where at?

 Ben: upper tier i believe

  row q to sell it even more

  the far reaches of shea. [Shea?! Santana is PLAYING AT SHEA?! Oh my god. This is a momentous occasion! Can you imagine what kind of special guests he’s going to bring out! He’s going to pull out the stops for this one! Why didn’t I hear about this sooner? Why can’t I find out any details about this?! Oh. Wait. The Mets are in town this weekend. Johan Santana is scheduled to start for them on Saturday afternoon.] 

5:13 PM me: ah

  sure

  i always enjoy a trip to shea

When Bob Sheppard says, “please join Kate Smith as she sings ‘God Bless America’”, should we all…

…kill and bury ourselves, since in order to “join Kate Smith,” we would have to be dead?

…feel bad for Bob Sheppard, because at 97 years old, his dementia causes him to live in a world where Kate Smith is still alive?

…pity the children and ignorant Red Sox fans who ask, “where is she? I don’t see her anywhere?”

…be grateful? After all, at least they’re not playing “Cotton Eye Joe.”

• Two Happy Meals from McDonalds
• The Ingredients for a Twelve-Egg Omelet
• A Blowjob from a Whore in Montreal (tip not included)
• A Full Pitcher of Beer at Cheapshots
• Five Rides on the New York City Subway (that are more enjoyable than standing in line at the concession stands waiting for a beer)
• Two 16-ounce beers at Angels Stadium (tip included)
• A Six-Pack of Heineken from a Bodega in Any Neighborhood in New York City
• Four six-inch subs from Subway (with coupon included in yesterday’s stadium giveaway, the 2008 New York Yankees Calendar presented by Subway)
• Two rides on one of the fastest roller coasters in the world
• A 5-euro note
• A Twelve-Pack of Miller Lite from a Bodega in Any Neighborhood in New York City
• Two blowjobs from a Whore in Bangkok (tip included, medical treatment not included)
• 2 Tickets in Section 402 to the Friday, May 23rd New York Mets - Colorado Rockies Game (ticket processing fees included)

(The cost of a 16-ounce draft Miller Lite at Yankee Stadium this year is $9.50. I estimate that 32% of that goes directly into Alex Rodriguez’s pocket. The remaining 68% should be shoved up Steinbrenner’s ass.)

There was baseball today, in case you didn’t know. And, like, regular season baseball… none of this exhibition crap. Therefore, I am completely and utterly useless today. I cannot function after sitting in a sports bar for three hours before work.

I didn’t drink, for the record. But I probably made a breakfast choice that was even worse: that big, juicy cheeseburger (breakfast of champions!) is really dragging me down. The fries that I had probably aren’t helping, either.

I want to take a nap.

We’ll hear about the billions of dollars in lost productivity at work because of March Madness for the next few days (even though it’s a myth), but I’d just like to point out that CBS is encouraging it with their March Madness On Demand system:

And what appears when you click on the Boss Button?

Brilliant. I feel bad for people who don’t use Excel at work on a daily basis.

In case you haven’t heard, the New York Giants won the Super Bowl. Congratulations and all that. See? I may be a Patriots fan, but I’m not a sore loser.

Normally, a victory parade is scheduled a couple of days after a team’s victory. In the case of the Red Sox this year, the parade fell on a Tuesday following their Sunday victory. The Colts’ victory parade in 2007 was on Monday. The same holds true for the Steelers’ parade in 2006. There is no defined tradition here, but teams typically want to ride the wave of the victory back into their hometown. The Giants opted for Tuesday.

These parades involve more than just a march through the streets. As is the case with most sporting events, alcohol is almost always involved. Already this morning, I’ve heard stories of Giants fans drunkenly wandering the streets to “pre-game” for the parade. There will be drinking after the parade. Workers call in sick for the day, or just sneak out. It’s an all-out celebration.

Today happens to be the date of one of the most important primary elections in our nation’s history. Today, both Democrats and Republicans will choose between seemingly similar but surprisingly dissimilar candidates who will take our country in very different directions. It is the duty of every citizen to participate in our democratic process. But instead, lower Manhattan will be mobbed with drunk, excited Giants fans who either don’t care about the electoral process, or just plain forgot to care.

To make matters worse, three polling sites along the parade route will be mobbed by sports fans. The NYPD promises to keep a clear path to these sites, but would any person in their right mind want to walk through throngs of drunkards just to vote? And is it voter intimidation if you have to face the wrath of these fans just for walking through the crowd without wearing a Giants jersey? On a day when nearly a million New Yorkers are expected to vote, the City of New York actually had to relocate Board of Elections workers because of the parade. When we put a celebration for a sports team ahead of the most sacred tenet of our democracy, we have really made a sad statement on where we place our priorities as a city.

The Giants’ excuse for the timing of the parade is that the players have to travel to Hawaii for the Pro Bowl this weekend. I think they meant player, not players, since Osi Umenyiora is the lone Giants representative at the Pro Bowl. For one player, they can’t make an exception? What’s preventing him from showing up a day late? He just won a Super Bowl ring. I think they’d be willing to give him a pass.

New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg wouldn’t budge at all. “A lot of people have the day off, so they can vote and can work at the polls, and that is what democracy is all about,” he said to the New York Sun.

Really, Mayor Bloomberg? I sure don’t know a single person who has the day off to vote today. I do know people who are skipping work to get drunk and go to the parade today. But that’s certainly not what democracy is all about.

So far, in every primary state, voter turnout has been significantly higher than normal. People have waited in long lines, suffered through hours of caucusing, and have carefully planned their day to make their voices heard. But in New York, New Jersey, and Connecticut - all Super Tuesday states - most Giants fans will choose to drink themselves into oblivion to celebrate their team’s victory, rather than making an important choice that could change their own future and the future of this nation.

Update, 1:20pm: Another impedient to democracy added by the parade: the New York Times is reporting that “the Board of Elections was delayed in sending workers to fix [problems with voting machines] because of traffic delays caused by the huge crowds in Lower Manhattan watching the ticker-tape parade for the Giants.” One precinct they cited went four hours without a working voting machine this morning.

SEE NO EVIL… - This morning, I made it almost all the way to work without being reminded of the fact that the Giants won the Super Bowl last night. Then, just 20 feet from the front door of my office, a car drove by, honking its horn, with “NY Giants: Super Bowl XLII Champions” flags flying on each side of the car. So close, yet so far away.