east village idiot

24 hours ago, I sent personalized e-mails to four State Senators (from left to right, Diaz, Espada, Kruger, and Monserrate) who are opposed East River and Harlem River Bridge tolls asking this simple question:

Why are you defending 4% of your constituents who use a car to drive to Manhattan over more than 67% who rely on transit every day?

(The actual question varied based on statistics provided by the TSTC.)

I think it’s a completely fair question, and it’s a question that I’ve been trying to get a straight answer to for weeks from the local politicians who have taken a stand against a $2 toll to stop a 23% MTA fare hike despite the fact that the vast majority of their constituents use mass transit.

Unsurprisingly, none of them have responded.

I would vote for John McCain.

Why? In every major statewide or national race I have ever voted in, the candidate I voted for ultimately lost. Among my choices: Al Gore, Bob Weygand, Andrew Cuomo, Carl McCall, Howard Dean, John Kerry, Peter Clavelle, Jonathan Tasini, John Spencer, and John Edwards.

There is one exception: Eliot Spitzer. And we all know how that turned out.

Luckily, I’m not that superstitious about politics. And I can’t in good conscience vote for McCain under any circumstances.

I severely overestimated the people of Lower Manhattan. Despite overwhelming grassroots support for Paul Newell and endorsements from every side of the news media, it turns out  voters in New York’s 64th Assembly District are just as stupid and gullible as the voters in Middle America: against all odds, they’d rather vote for the status quo, even though he stands for everything that’s wrong with our crooked political system.

I used to place the blame for the MTA’s fiscal crisis on Silver. But next time around, I’ll point my blame elsewhere. To the nearly 10,000 primary voters who pulled the lever for Sheldon Silver: SHAME ON YOU!

The fan bases of presidential candidates are still out in full force supporting their man (or woman). Here are some groups in New York that closely resemble those fan bases:

1. Hillary Clinton Supporters and New York Mets Fans

With every glimmer of hope they see, Hillary supporters and Mets fans think it’s the sign of victory, only to be let down every single time. Even when they win big, like winning a string of primaries or being up 9 games in mid-September, they’re still not the favorite. Then again, when the team you’re cheering on gets in a desperate situation, you can always start crying. Go ahead, just let it out. You might as well now, or once the fall rolls around, you’re just going to be disappointed.

2. Ron Paul Supporters and 9/11 Conspiracy Theorists

They’re not exactly experts about these things, but based on the evidence they’ve seen (several web sites and some flyers hanging up around town), they believe what they’re hearing. In the face of the facts like science, reason, and primary results, they stick to their guns and show up in small numbers to hold up signs and not provide much substance. In some cases, they’re not two similar groups - they’re the same group. They have passion, drive, and the inability to go away despite being completely ignored.

3. Barack Obama Supporters and New York Yankees Fans

Do you blindly love someone despite all of their misdeeds? Do you claim past victories as a justification for the supremacy of your weakened, injured team? Do you think your guys can do no wrong? Is there an evil empire you must defeat in order to claim victory? You must be an Obama supporter… or a New York Yankees fan! So what if your star third baseman and pitcher are injured? So what if you said that people in rural areas cling to guns and religion because they’re bitter? Your team is still the best! The media don’t know what they’re talking about. Yes we can! Yes we can!

4. John McCain Supporters and Tourists Who Stop in the Middle of the Goddamn Sidewalk

“Well, wow, this sure is interesting! I’m just going to go at my own pace and take a few breaks to enjoy the view. That Broadway show was sort of old and tired. It was kind of stiff and middle-of-the-road. You know what? I could’ve settled for a trip to Mount Rushmore or Branson, Missouri instead. Those places are much more majestic and much cleaner than this city. My word, these New Yorkers sure are resiliant people! They experienced a tragedy… like a terrorist attack or being held captive for years in a prison camp… and they still go about their daily lives! Speaking of that, that John McCain guy seems like a nice enough fellow. Sure is better than those latte liberals! Enough about politics, though… time for Olive Garden’s Never-Ending Pasta Bowl!”

Yesterday was the Mississippi Presidential Primary. CNN conducted an Exit Poll, but didn’t show all of the results. The real results are below.

For those of you who get their news from my blog, God help you. But also, New York Governor Eliot Spitzer has admitted to being a part of a prostitution ring. Any shred of respect I had left for this guy has completely flown out the window. He’s a reformer? No, he’s just politics as usual.

Fellow Democratic governor Dave Freudenthal of Wyoming could not be reached for comment. But Wyoming hasn’t exactly been a hotbed for scandals since Teapot Dome.

By the way, I created this Facebook group. But I promise I will never send you an invitation to join.

In case you haven’t heard, the New York Giants won the Super Bowl. Congratulations and all that. See? I may be a Patriots fan, but I’m not a sore loser.

Normally, a victory parade is scheduled a couple of days after a team’s victory. In the case of the Red Sox this year, the parade fell on a Tuesday following their Sunday victory. The Colts’ victory parade in 2007 was on Monday. The same holds true for the Steelers’ parade in 2006. There is no defined tradition here, but teams typically want to ride the wave of the victory back into their hometown. The Giants opted for Tuesday.

These parades involve more than just a march through the streets. As is the case with most sporting events, alcohol is almost always involved. Already this morning, I’ve heard stories of Giants fans drunkenly wandering the streets to “pre-game” for the parade. There will be drinking after the parade. Workers call in sick for the day, or just sneak out. It’s an all-out celebration.

Today happens to be the date of one of the most important primary elections in our nation’s history. Today, both Democrats and Republicans will choose between seemingly similar but surprisingly dissimilar candidates who will take our country in very different directions. It is the duty of every citizen to participate in our democratic process. But instead, lower Manhattan will be mobbed with drunk, excited Giants fans who either don’t care about the electoral process, or just plain forgot to care.

To make matters worse, three polling sites along the parade route will be mobbed by sports fans. The NYPD promises to keep a clear path to these sites, but would any person in their right mind want to walk through throngs of drunkards just to vote? And is it voter intimidation if you have to face the wrath of these fans just for walking through the crowd without wearing a Giants jersey? On a day when nearly a million New Yorkers are expected to vote, the City of New York actually had to relocate Board of Elections workers because of the parade. When we put a celebration for a sports team ahead of the most sacred tenet of our democracy, we have really made a sad statement on where we place our priorities as a city.

The Giants’ excuse for the timing of the parade is that the players have to travel to Hawaii for the Pro Bowl this weekend. I think they meant player, not players, since Osi Umenyiora is the lone Giants representative at the Pro Bowl. For one player, they can’t make an exception? What’s preventing him from showing up a day late? He just won a Super Bowl ring. I think they’d be willing to give him a pass.

New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg wouldn’t budge at all. “A lot of people have the day off, so they can vote and can work at the polls, and that is what democracy is all about,” he said to the New York Sun.

Really, Mayor Bloomberg? I sure don’t know a single person who has the day off to vote today. I do know people who are skipping work to get drunk and go to the parade today. But that’s certainly not what democracy is all about.

So far, in every primary state, voter turnout has been significantly higher than normal. People have waited in long lines, suffered through hours of caucusing, and have carefully planned their day to make their voices heard. But in New York, New Jersey, and Connecticut - all Super Tuesday states - most Giants fans will choose to drink themselves into oblivion to celebrate their team’s victory, rather than making an important choice that could change their own future and the future of this nation.

Update, 1:20pm: Another impedient to democracy added by the parade: the New York Times is reporting that “the Board of Elections was delayed in sending workers to fix [problems with voting machines] because of traffic delays caused by the huge crowds in Lower Manhattan watching the ticker-tape parade for the Giants.” One precinct they cited went four hours without a working voting machine this morning.

If the demographic data I’ve collected is accurate, most of my readers are in a generation that is generally disinterested in politics. Heck, outside of a small group of my friends, the topic of politics rarely comes up. This frightens me. Why? Because it means that millions of people who are decades older than us are making decisions that will affect our lives, while millions of us just sit around and do nothing.

So stop bitching about the candidates. Stop complaining that politics is boring and predictable. Stop whining that all politicians are inherently evil and corrupt. Those are the people that keep getting elected - and not by you. If you’re not voting, you’re part of the problem.

And if live in New York City and you’re not even registered to vote, go here, you dimwit.

If you’ve seen this Campbell’s Soup commercial with a chef touting the use of sea salt in their low-sodium products, you might notice - pardon the pun - an uncanny resemblance to a certain presidential candidate:

Not convinced? Well, here’s a side-by-side comparison, contributed by EVI reader and enterprising news reporter Cody:

In case you wanted to know, the secret ingredient in the soup is not sea salt. It’s actually Jesus Juice.