east village idiot

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT - This is the week of the annual Great American Smoke-Out. You probably already know how I feel about smoking. So, uh, please stop killing yourselves. Thanks.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT - For the next 76 days, it will be dark at 5:00pm in New York City. The next time the sun will set after 5:00pm will be Tuesday, January 22nd. But just think: it could be worse. In Deadhorse, Alaska, the sun will set today at 3:21pm.

Well, now we know that Scientologists don’t believe in sweating, either, since nobody really breaks a sweat when you’re “running” at a 12-minute-a-mile pace.

Come up with an original idea. Then maybe we’ll pay you more money.

Welcome back. Hope they don’t sue you for all your yappy-netted dough.

New England fans see no need to make an “Indianapolis Sucks” towel. It’s inferred - you live in Indiana.

For those of you not familiar with my living situation, I have two roommates. Together, we have one bathroom. Sure, it’s a big bathroom - in fact, it’s one of the largest rooms in our apartment - but it’s still just one bathroom.

This wasn’t a problem for a very long time. My roommates and I had staggered schedules, and one was unemployed for several months, which made the morning bathroom situation very easy to handle.

For some reason, starting last week, the shit hit the fan. Everyone’s schedule and/or attitude towards work (wait! Maybe I shouldn’t be showing up at work at 10am when it starts at 9!) changed abruptly. I practically had to take a number to use the bathroom. There were mornings last week when I would have to dance in place outside the bathroom door just to pee while I would eagerly await the sound of the shower turning off.

Then, this morning, I came out of my bedroom to find the bathroom open, with the lights off, free for my use. It was a miracle! I would get to shower in peace - and on my schedule!

On the walk to the bathroom, I heard someone pounding on our door. Lo and behold, it was our maintenance guy, coming to fix a leak we’ve in our bathroom ceiling for a month - a leak that is over our shower… at 8:15 in the morning… just when I wanted to take a shower.

And yes, that means I haven’t bathed today. I poured on the deodorant and cologne, thank you very much.

THAT TIME OF THE MONTH - Has anyone noticed that over the past few years, the terminology for weather forecasts has changed? I remember when I was younger, the forecast would always call for “periods of clouds and sun.” But now, they don’t say that. Apparently, the word “period” is un-PC. They instead use the awkward-sounding “times of clouds and sun.” It sounds more like a literary piece than a weather forecast: “it was a morning like most others in the village of Sandlewood. There were times of clouds and sun, and the light wind wisped the fog off the lake like a steaming teakettle. But the townspeople, ever the wiser, knew that it would not be such a picturesque day for long; for they knew to expect a high of eighty-nine degrees and a seventy percent chance of severe thunderstorms in the afternoon that could bring dangerous lightening, small hail, and wind gusts of up to sixty miles per hour.”

THEY ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE - I just got an IM from an old co-worker of mine who apparently still has my screen name on his buddy list. He seemed to be doing some Buddy List Spring Cleaning. His message was one line: “how do I know you?” Gee, I don’t know, but maybe the fact that MY LAST NAME is PART OF MY SCREEN NAME should be a BIG HINT. Thanks, jackass. You were forgettable, too.

- How my fantasy football team is still undefeated:. I won’t bore you with details or a roster, but let’s just say that I’m kicking ass. I’m 4-0, which is impressive in itself, but you should also consider that I used one of my two keepers on the Baltimore Defense, which has been about as effective as a pedestrian stopping traffic on the Jersey Turnpike. And, the one week I didn’t start Baltimore’s defense, I started Cincinnati’s defense instead - when they gave up 51 points to the Browns.

- How I got bilked for $65 by my HMO: The actual cost of my very simple but necessary emergency room treatment back in August: $35. The cost to me, because of my health insurance’s $100 emergency room co-pay: $100. Where does that other $65 go? Straight into the pocket of some fatcat who’s lobbying for the right to assrape me every time I go to the doctor. I would have been better off going into the ER claiming to be schizophrenic with twenty identities and no insurance. See? They never talk about the Plight of the Insured.

- How my roommate was too drunk to find his own bed at 3am on Friday night and tried to crawl into mine instead: I think this speaks for itself. Thankfully, he was fully clothed.

- How my roommate apologized profusely the following day and then asked if I was going to blog about it: Here’s your answer.

- How Matt Holliday didn’t tag home plate, but instant replay would do nothing to solve that: There was no indisputable evidence that he didn’t tag the plate, so if the NFL’s rules for instant replay applied to baseball, the call wouldn’t have been overturned. People from San Diego need to stop blaming the umpire and complain about something else… like the weather. Okay, nothing to complain about there. But how about Norv Turner?

GREEN (FRI)DAY - I just heard Green Day’s “Wake Me Up When September Ends” on the radio. Um, no, please don’t. Because when September ends, that means the weekend is over. And to top it all off, at 4:52 on Friday afternoon, I received some really bad work-related news. So please, Put Me to Bed When September Ends.

THIS SALAD IS #1 WITH ME - Did I know there was chopped asparagus in the salad when I ordered it? No. Did I know there was chopped asparagus in the salad when I ate it? No. Did I know where was chopped asparagus in the salad when I took a piss just now? You bet I did.

SOME PEOPLE THINK I’M FUNNY - Apparently, a wannabe comedian thought this blog was funny. So she interviewed me. And now she realizes that I am horribly unfunny. You can read it, if you want. But don’t say I didn’t warn you. [Standup101]