east village idiot

Sorry, it’s been a rough couple days at work. While I’d like to supply you with a never-ending supply of proofreading and clever anecdotes, I have a day job that pays for this site. It’s been so busy that it has sort of stifled my creativity lately. You’ll just have to deal.

That being said, there’s still more March Radness to be had. Although we might as well call it April Radness now, since we’re ten days into the month and three days past the end of its namesake. Whatever. Let’s get down to business with the semifinals in the Isiah Region and the City Hall Region.

It seems like those who voted in the Isiah Region were Mets and Giants fans. Although even Jets fans will admit, Ticker Tape Parades are pretty awesome. But they’ll be pitted against the shiny new Citi Field, which handily beat New Yankee Stadium in the first round. Here’s to hoping the Citi Field experience won’t involve $9.50 beers.

Meanwhile, the beloved Shea Stadium Cow Bell Man faces the new pitching phenom, Johan Santana. Who do they Mets love more? One has the support of the entire stadium when he walks around with a bell. The other has no run support and gets a loss for allowing one run over seven innings.

In the City Hall Region, there’s a semifinal matchup between two has-beens. It’s hard to choose between Eliot Spitzer and Congestion Pricing. Both are pretty much dead, although Spitzer did make a public appearance with his wife earlier this week at NYU Medical Center. Couples therapy? Routine doctor visit? Castration? That’s your call.

Finally, in the other matchup, it’s Pigeon Extermination vs. Kristen. Wait, who’s Kristen? Does anyone remember? Poor girl… fame is fleeting. But does anyone actually believe that this city can rid itself of those sky rats when we have lonely elderly people who seek solace in disease-carrying birds? At least Kristen is hot.

Vote away, folks. Then, it’s on to the Elite 8!

We’re cruising through March Radness, so we’re on to Round 2. We’ve narrowed the field down in the Outerborough and Gotham Regions, so let’s take a look at the matchups.

First, it’s a transportation battle: The L Train vs. LaGuardia Airport. I don’t know what I hate more in this matchup. The L Train is the defending champ, and it is marginally more reliable than trying to take a 2pm flight from LaGuardia to Chicago.

Next, the battle of obnoxious things. Dogs in Bars was the underdog in its matchup with Babies in Bars, but came out on top. Long Island City just squeaked by Red Hook in the first round. Dogs in Bars make me sneeze in my beer, but in Long Island City, you’ll be lucky if you find any beer. Or anything at all, really.

See how timely March Radness is? Union Square, the #1 seed in the Gotham region may have won its battle against Times Square, but it is no match for fencing, hardhats, and shovels. Then again, fencing, hardhats, and shovels are also no match for Slow Pedestrians, who will stop dead in their tracks to peer into the work area to see what’s going on.

In the second game in the Gotham Region, it’s a battle of things that are deadly. $10 Beers are deadly to your wallet, which will cry when you can’t buy a round of beer for you and your friend with a twenty-dollar bill. Unless you don’t tip. And honestly, if you find yourself at a bar where they charge $10 for a beer, why tip? You’re probably not going to find yourself back there again anytime soon. High-Rise Cranes are deadly to you, and, perhaps, Donald Trump’s wallet. This is a toss-up.

Pull your levers below. We’ll be back with the other half of Round 2 tomorrow.

A lot has gone on in New York politics in this past year, and a lot of what happened was just mind-numbingly stupid. So, in the City Hall Region, we pay tribute to the political scandals, issues, and disasters that have plagued New York this year.

I don’t think these matchups really require a write-up, so here’s a haiku about each of them.

Eliot Spitzer
Governor or John?
How about both? He’d fuck New
Yorkers either way.

Rudy Guiliani
It’s a crying shame
He dropped out. Not! Next up: The
Nation’s Vice Mayor.

Second Avenue Subway
It crawls its way down-
Town. We wait. This haiku is
Existentialist.

Congestion Pricing
If you have a car
In New York, you can afford
Eight bucks, so shut up.

Pigeon Extermination
Kill those sky rats now!
Perhaps these are New York’s Next
Haute cuisine?

City Parking Placards
Who wants free parking?
An idea: park your lazy
Ass on the subway.

David Paterson
Welcome! Bring respect…
Oh? You did what? Well, at least
You’re not banging whores.

“Kristen”
Your fame was fleeting,
But at least you affirmed that
Spitzer has good taste.

Vote away. Round 2 starts tomorrow.

We’ve moved on to the third region in March Radness, and it all deals with New York Sports. I’ve got baseball fever, it looks like the Knicks are finally moving on from Isiah Thomas, and the Rangers are in the midst of clinching a playoff spot. Oh, and did I mention the Giants? It’s been a busy year and it was tough to narrow down to just eight contenders, but here they are…

The 1-8 game is a no-brainer here. Ticker-Tape Parades are back in New York, even though they disrupt the Democratic process. Isiah’s Career, on the other hand, is all but over, especially after last week’s rumors became this week’s news.

In the next game, it’s the battle of the new stadiums: Citi Field has gotten a lot of buzz, because it’s replacing a big, hulking concrete monster with no character. Mets fans are excited about Citi Field. Meanwhile, I mention the New Yankee Stadium to Yankees fans and they’ll say, “oh! I forgot about that!” There’s no hype about the fact that they’re tearing down an historic stadium that resembles a toilet on the inside and out.

The 3-6 matchup is a battle between someone we know very little about but see all the time. Last year’s Final Four contender, Cow Bell Man, wins over the hearts of Mets fans (or in the case of last season, the broken hearts of Mets fans) every year simply by walking around clanging a cow bell. Meanwhile, thanks to the Mitchell Report and his testimony to Congress, we know far too much about Roger Clemens’ Ass.

Finally, it’s a matchup of the two pitching phenoms in New York. One is a veteran, the Mets’ new #1 starter, Johan Santana. After his good effort on opening day, he’ll be hard to beat. But Joba Chamberlain is close on his tail… just don’t put any bugs near him.

Tomorrow, Round 1 ends and we move on to the Sweet 16. Vote away!

Time for more round 1 action in March Radness 2008. Today, we turn our attention to Manhattan with the Gotham Region.

In the first matchup, it’s Union Square versus the underdog Times Square. One is filled with fresh vegetables and skateboarding punk-ass kids. The other is filled with chain restaurants and tourists. This should be a cakewalk.

The 4-5 matchup pits two things against each other that can ruin someone’s morning: Slow Pedestrians and Meterologists. Sure, stupid pedestrians can enrage you first thing in the morning, but when the forecast calls for six inches of snow and you wake up to dry pavement, you want Sam Champion’s head on a platter.

In the next matchup, we see one of last year’s final four, Rats in Restaurants, who are old news next to this year’s latest media craze, High-Rise Cranes. Rats don’t kill, but cranes sure do. This makes me wonder: we know seven people died in the crane collapse earlier this month, but how many rats died? The world may never know.

Next up, it’s the latest craze in pricing everyone out of New York City: $1 Bagels vs. $10 Beers. Sure, $10 beers have been around for a while at places where you have to slip someone $40 just to get in the door, but now even divier bars are creeping dangerously close to $7 beer. $10 beer may be just around the corner, but $1 bagels are already here and out in full-force. Open your wallet wide and say ahhhhhh.

These matchups are in your hands. Fire away with your voting finger!

At long last, it’s time for March Radness 2008. This is a bracket with all the things you love to hate and hate to love about New York. This year, we’ve whittled down the field to 32 teams, so it’ll move a little bit quicker (especially considering it’s, uh, 3 days before the end of March). I really just made it under the wire here.

We’re going to begin today with the Outerborough Region. Who will reign supreme in Brooklyn, the Bronx, and Queens? Hey, that almost rhymes! Sorry, Staten Island. Maybe next year you’ll sport a team, but in the meantime, at least you’ve got a good chance in the TIT - the Trashheap Invitational Tournament.

It’s quite simple: this is a game. Vote for whatever team you love to hate or hate to love. Either way, we’ll post the results and move on to the next round.

Last year’s champion, The L Train, faces a strong challenger in the #8 seed, Livery Cabs. Both of them get you places (in the case of the L Train, not necessarily reliably), but one is a helluva lot cheaper than the other. Also, it seems like your odds of getting raped on the L Train lately are actually lower than if you’re in a car.

The 4-5 matchup is a debate that has raged in New York for ages: JFK or LaGuardia? Sure, LaGuardia’s closer, but you’ll never get out on time. Wait, you’ll never get out on time at JFK, either - if you ever get there. This one’s a real barnburner.

#6 seed Red Hook, whose shiny new (and still not-yet-opened) Ikea made it to last year’s third round, is on the decline. Watch out, here comes Long Island City! Oh, wait, it’s got no Grocery Store? Well, at least it’s got a floating aluminum tree!

The 2-7 matchup may be the biggest brawl of them all. Just when you thought the DOH was going to crackdown on dogs in bars (Hey! Look! It’s a list of bars breaking the law! I can’t go to any of them anyway, because I’m allergic to dogs!), another trend emerged: self-righteous yuppie parents bringing their babies in bars. Watch out - this one’s gonna get ugly!

Here’s a bunch of your voting doo-hinkies. Vote early, vote often!

Last year’s March Radness was a complete success. Its return is just around the corner, and this year, I’m accepting your recommendations to fill out the brackets. Last year’s champion, the L Train, is like the Duke of March Radness: the perennial champion that we all love to hate.

What is March Radness? Well, it’s a bracket that pits the things we love to hate and hate to love about New York against each other in a 64-team elimination tourney, and the results are decided by you, the readers.

After all the shit riders deal with, someone’s got to knock the L Train down a notch. So, make your suggestions in the comments now!

The votes have been tallied, and here are the results of the March Radness Championship Game:

THE L TRAIN   53
THE RATS AT TACO BELL   47

That’s all she wrote. Congratulations to The L Train, the winner of eastvillageidiot.com’s 2007 March Radness!

This is what you’ve all been waiting for. We’re down to two teams in March Radness. It’s been three weeks in the making, and 63 teams have been eliminated. Your votes have been tallied. You can see how it all went down in this handy PDF file. Two worthy contenders in the Final Four, Cow Bell Man and The Meatpacking District, have been eliminated. Now, after last night’s action, we’re down to our last two contenders. Ladies and gentlemen, the Championship Game will be played between…

The L Train and The Rats at Taco Bell

This will be a tough battle. It’s so tough, in fact, that there’s no way I could break down the matchup on my own. So, to give you a little convincing, I’ve brought on two guest bloggers: Amish, of Amish in the City, and Kate, of Logged Hours, will be showing their “school spirit.”

First up, Kate makes her case for The L Train:

Alright, kiddies, listen up. You have a choice to make. And don’t bother listening to Amish down there, because he drank the Kool Aid and thinks that Taco Bell is real food. As far as I’m concerned, Taco Bell is equally disgusting with or without the rats.

First of all, without the L, there would be no gentrified, hipster Williamsburg. Now, there are some wonderful parts of gentrified, hipster Williamsburg, particularly Barcade and Crocodile Lounge (say what you will, but any bar that gives me a free pizza with every beer is pretty fucking sweet in my eyes). However, Williamsburg is also home to a million trust fund asshats like this dude.

Now, provided that you actually wanted to go to Williamsburg and endure a million conversations about how “their first album was WAY better”, it’s highly unlikely you’d be able to get there in less than an hour. This is because a.) the trains don’t come at any thing resembling normal intervals and b.) the trains are so crowded that you can’t even get on them when they do arrive. Additionally, if you’re going out to Billyburg on a Saturday, you better find a couch to crash on, my friend, because that train isn’t fucking coming. Ever. Perhaps the reason that most hipsters look like homeless people is because they spend half their time sleeping on the L platform, waiting for it to come.

Vote the L train!

Now, Amish makes his case for The Rats at Taco Bell:

First of all, Kate is right. I do love Taco Bell. It is my happy place. A place for me to forget all about all of my worries, kick back with a bean burrito or eight, and Glutton myself into a reserved spot in Hell. So even though these rats have robbed me, and this city, of one of our many happy places, I harbor no ill will toward them.

Quite frankly, I’m jealous. I mean, who wouldn’t want to storm a Taco Bell and eat everything on site? What with their soft, buttery tortillas, dizzying array of melted and shredded cheeses, soothing lard-free refried beans, and wittily adorned Hot Sauce packets, its a wonder that this didn’t happen sooner. By me.

God Damn! It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about the leader of the rat pack, face painted blue, pacing in front of his brethren before he leads them in their charge.

“Aye, fight and you may die, run, and you’ll live… at least for a while. And dying in your beds, many years from now, would you be willin’ to trade ALL the days, from this day to that, for one chance, just one chance, to come back here and tell our enemies that THEY MAY TAKE OUR GREEN ONIONS, BUT THEY’LL NEVER TAKE….OUR FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

So vote for the rats, because they stormed that Taco Bell like it was fucking Normandy. And now here they are, a #16 seed going into the Championship, making the hearts of Taco Bell lovers and Cinderella fans swell with pride. In simplest terms, they have shown up. Unlike the L Train.

There you have it. Now, it’s your turn to vote for the March Radness Champion! Vote early, and vote often. Voting ends on Thursday, April 5th at 3pm.

March Radness Championship Game
VOTING OVER
CLICK HERE TO SEE THE RESULTS!

We’re just one step away from the championship match in March Radness!

By the way, as a refresher, March Radness takes the things we love to hate and hate to love about New York City, and pits them against each other in a 64-team, single-elimination tournament. And YOU get to pick the winners of each game!

Click here for the latest updated bracket. Yesterday, the Final Four were decided. Here are the winners of each region:

#13 The L Train, the champion of the Markowitz Region, defeated #2 Park Slope Moms yesterday, 59-41. The L Train had a smooth road to the Final Four, beating its Williamsburg neighbors, Peter Luger’s and McCarren Pool in the first and second rounds. Then, it easily got by its Red Hook nemesis, The Ikea in Red Hook, 64-36 in the Sweet 16. It was a huge upset for the Park Slope Moms - who Curbed picked to go to the Final Four. The L Train will face…

#1 The Meatpacking District, the champion in the Wintour Region. They beat #2 West Chelsea in a cakewalk yesterday, 75-25. As the predicted champion in this region, it wasn’t a big surprise. Besides, with opponents like Uggs, Gawker Stalker, and Anderson Cooper, who couldn’t expect The Meatpacking District to win that region? MePa is the idol of the anti-hipster set, and the L Train is the idol of the hipsters themselves. Who will come out on top? You decide!

Semifinal Game #1
VOTING OVER!
-> The L Train  69
-> The Meatpacking District  31

#1 Cow Bell Man is the Isiah Region champion, after its win yesterday over A-Rod & Jeter Sleepovers, 57-43. This either proves that those voting in this competition are (a) die-hard Mets fans or (b) do not enjoy the thought of a hot, steamy romance between the two most attractive athletes in New York sports. Either way, Cow Bell Man will have an uphill battle against the Cinderella story of the tournament.

#16 The Rats at Taco Bell, the champion of the Bloomberg Region, cruised by The Bridge & Tunnel Crowd yesterday, 81-19. The Rats have had an amazing run. They got by #1 seed Trans Fat in the first round, then had successful wins against Fat Pedestrians and the Second Avenue Subway. Their win over the Bridge & Tunnel Crowd was not unexpected, of course - I’d take Rats over Guidos from Jersey any day - but it was impressive nonetheless. Now, they’re in the Final Four, and it’s your turn to decide who will move on to the championship!

Semifinal Game #2
VOTING OVER!
-> Cow Bell Man  32
-> The Rats at Taco Bell  68