east village idiot

I work with a group of college-educated, bright, innovative people… who don’t know how to use a toaster, apparently.

Suddenly, the fact that they don’t seem to understand simple restroom etiquette makes much more sense.

And, to make matters worse, it’s misspelled. Now I’m enraged, and I still have to pee!

Paper coffee cup handles: You should never trust two flimsy pieces of paper to protect you from a scalding hot beverage. Plus, these things are sharp and can give you a paper cut if you’re not careful.

This particular cup gave me a burn on my thigh when I lost my grip on it and got a cut on my middle finger this afternoon. That’s a lot of pain, and less caffeine to get me out of my mid-afternoon doldrums. Thanks a lot, jerks.

From: Office Services
Recipients: All Staff
Subject: Heat
Date: 11:04:01 AM 01/02/08

Welcome, and Happy New Year!
As you may have noticed, we are experiencing problems with the heating system in the building today. We are working on the problem. Please bear with us.

From: Office Services
Recipients: All Staff
Subject: Heating system update
Date: 1:16:45 PM 01/04/08

We understand that it is still hot in some areas of the building.
There is a problem with the chiller and we are hoping to have the problem fixed by next week. Thanks for your patience.

From: Office Services
Recipients: All Staff
Subject: Heating update
Date: 10:48:37 AM 01/09/08

Sorry for the unbearable heat in some areas of the building today. We have called technicians and hope to have it fixed sometime later this week.
In the meantime, it may be best to dress in layers.
Apologies again. We will update you as we fix the system.

From: Office Services
Recipients: All Staff
Subject: Heat
Date: 08:33:21 AM 01/14/08

Welcome back from the weekend.
Technicians were here to fix the cooling system over the weekend. We will continue to monitor the situation today.

From: Office Services
Recipients: All Staff
Subject: Heat update
Date: 10:02:57 AM 01/14/08

We understand that areas of the building are still uncomfortably hot. We are working to address this as quickly as possible.

From: Office Services
Recipients: All Staff
Subject: Reminder
Date: 4:47:08 PM 01/15/08

We understand that it is still hot in many areas of the building, and windows are being opened to regulate the temperature in those areas.
Please remember to close the windows when you leave for the evening.

From: Office Services
Recipients: All Staff
Subject: Heating and cooling
Date: 9:32:52 AM 01/22/08

Over the long weekend we took some steps to address the heat situation in the building. Hopefully, you will be much more comfortable today.
If you have any problems, please inform us and we will try to fix it.
Thanks for your patience.

From: Office Services
Recipients: All Staff
Subject: Heating and cooling
Date: 1:09:18 PM 01/22/08

Sorry again for the heat situation in the building today. We have called technicians to try to fix the problem tomorrow.
In the meantime, please bear with us.
Thanks for your patience.

From: Office Services
Recipients: All Staff
Subject: Still working on the heat situation
Date: 10:48:37 AM 01/24/08

Sorry everyone.
We’re still trying to fix our cooling system in the building. I know it’s uncomfortably hot in many areas and we’re working as quickly as possible to fix that.
Unfortunately, it will probably not be corrected until the end of the week.
Again, sorry and thanks for your patience.

DO ME A FAVOR AND SHUT UP - I hate it when people at work make a request of you that’s completely out of their realm of ability or responsibility and start it out with “do me a favor.” I’m not doing you a favor. I’m doing my goddamn job!

Co-worker: …and now my screen is just black.
IT (on speakerphone): Um, is your monitor on?
Co-worker: Oh… no.
IT (on speakerphone): Then turn it on.
Co-worker: It won’t go on.
IT (on speakerphone): Is it plugged in?
Co-worker: Oh… no.

THAT WAS EASY - Boy, that was the easiest commute to work I’ve ever had. Oh, wait, it’s because NOBODY IS WORKING TODAY EXCEPT ME. I was really hoping that we’d come into work this morning to find a sign in the lobby saying, “HA-HA! JUST KIDDING! EVERY OTHER COMPANY UNDER OUR CORPORATE UMBRELLA IS CLOSED THIS WEEK! WHY DO YOU THINK WE’D KEEP YOURS OPEN?” No such luck.

Attention, attention! This is your Fire Safety Director.

This morning, we are conducting fire drills on every floor of the building. Please disregard all alarms at this time until further announcement - unless it’s your floor that’s having a fire drill. Don’t disregard that alarm, but disregard all the others. If there is an actual emergency, we will tell you via the intercom system, which you typically drown out with your iPod, since we are typically conveying useless information like this message via the intercom system.

At the time of the fire drill, we will sound an alarm. Do not panic when you hear the alarm, as this is only a drill. Actually, we know you will most likely not panic when you hear the alarm. You will more likely curse the alarm out for interrupting an important business phone call, or ignore the alarm altogether and wait for everyone else around you to get up and pretend that this is an actual fire. That is perfectly fine, as long as you do something when the alarm sounds. The worst action is inaction.

Once the alarm sounds, please proceed to the elevator lobby on your floor. This will be the location in which you will report in the event of a fire drill. If this was an actual fire, you would not report to the elevator lobby. Once in the elevator lobby, we will tell you where you would go if this was an actual fire, along with a brief safety announcement mandated by New York City Fire Codes. In order to make this drill quick and efficient, we will stuff all 100 people on your floor into an area that only safely accommodates 10 people - an action not mandated by, and quite possibly in violation of, New York City Fire Codes.

In the event of an actual fire, you will proceed quickly and orderly to the nearest stairwell. Before you open the fire door to the fireproof stairwell, check the door to see if it is hot. If the door is hot, there is a fire in the fireproof stairwell, and you are totally screwed.

There are three stairwells in this building: stairwells A, B, and C. Stairwell A runs to the main lobby. Stairwell B runs to an area opposite the main lobby. Stairwell C, which has never actually been used by anyone in roughly 23 years, runs to a dark alley in the back of the building in which you will become trapped in the event of a fire. We recommend using Stairwell C, as Stairwells A and B will be heavily used by the Fire Department in the event of an actual fire.

There are two Fire Wardens on this floor. Would you please raise your hands?

…

I see that the Fire Wardens are not here. They may have had their offices moved to another floor. In the event of an actual fire, these wardens will instruct you exactly where to go in the emergency. They will proceed to the Fire Warden phone, where they will call the Fire Safety Director and have small talk about the weather and how the Knicks did last night. They will also sweep the entire floor, including all storage areas and restrooms, for those incapacitated by a disability, a slip or fall, or a sudden bout of explosive diarrhea. Always follow the directions of the Fire Wardens. Never take your own action, as these Fire Wardens - who have received no formal training - know better than you. They are your only hope for getting out of this building alive.

Please follow these instructions and take them seriously, as they could save your life. Thank you for pretending to listen to this announcement. You may now return to your tinderbox of a cubicle to continue your workday.

…but it’s after 4:00, and this is what my desk should look like right now:

But instead, I’m the only one left working on my entire floor, because my client apparently doesn’t believe in things like “holidays.” Or, um, ”early happy hours on days before holidays.”

A CASE OF THE TUESDAYS -  I am not having the best day. If I hear the words “crisis mode” out of my colleagues one more time, I may just storm out. Also, I am sneezing my head off and my office is about 80 degrees - even with the windows open. To top it all off, my fortune cookie at lunch didn’t have a fortune in it. That’s a bit… foreboding, don’t you think?