east village idiot

Welcome to the worst day of the year (so far)! It has lived up to its name for me, as I’m drowning in work and managed to get very little sleep last night, thanks to the heat being unbearable in my apartment. It was 84 degrees in my room when I woke up this morning. Add a humidifer and BAM - instant steam room!

In sharp contrast, there’s no heat in my office at all today. So, I woke up in a sweat, and now I’m shivering at my desk. But our facilities manager always finds a way to make light of a bad situation in this e-mail he sent this morning:

Greetings,

The building is having issues with the boiler. A tech. is on the way or so I’ve been told.

Those of you who were on the nice list can show off your new holiday coats. Those of you on the other list can light up your lumps of coal.

How’s the most stressful day of the year going for you? To release the stress, experts are  recommending screaming and throwing a tantrum. If you feel the need, throw a tantrum in the comments. Happy Monday!

Long-time readers probably recall that I work in advertising. I work in a particular area of advertising in which we get lots of free schwag from media companies looking to get our business. In the past five years, I’ve accumulated quite the collection of water bottles, food, hats, shirts, plants, squishy balls, pens and pencils, paper clips, Starbucks cards, and now… living, breathing things.

Meet the Siamese Fighting Fish, courtesy of the Discovery Channel. 

My reaction when I got to my desk this morning was not the reaction my co-workers expected to hear from a guy who’s never turned schwag down.

Ugh! Nooo! I don’t want a fish! If I get a fish, I’m going to have to name it, and take care of it, and feed it, and I’ll grow an attachment to it, and then it’s just going to die on me! I don’t have time to care for a fish! I’m in the middle of a huge project! I’m supposed to feed it twice a day… and what happens on weekends? Do I have to come in and feed it? I can’t do that! I have a wedding in two weeks! I’m going to be gone for four days! Does anyone else want it?

My co-workers tried to convince me that this was a low-maintenance fish, and it’s good for someone who’s hard-pressed to take care of one. I told them that I once got a plant that was called ”low-maintenance” and I managed to kill it.

After ten minutes of looking for a new owner, I found one. Almost everyone in our office got one, and I’m willing to bet half of them will be dead in a week. At least I won’t be responsible for killing one.

Another ad agency - thankfully, not one I work at - accidentally sent an e-mail to its entire staff about its looming layoffs. In it, the company said they were “right-sizing,” and that the moves were “in the best interest of the clients” and that they were “building for the future” (by shrinking?).

The real zinger was the message they would send to clients when an employee was laid off:

Mary Smith will be moving off your business. Now that we understand your business better, we are replacing her with someone whom we feel will be a better partner for you. 

Wow, Mary Smith must have been a horrible employee. Good thing they found someone better! She’ll never work in this town again!

I’ve been very lucky to have never been laid off. But if I ever am, this is the last way I want to be laid off.

I’m not talking about finding out through a leaked e-mail. I’m talking about being laid off through the veil of bullshit that a company spews to its employees when they’re in dire straits. It’s not a “right-sizing.” It’s not “in the best interest of the clients.” The bottom line is: their company is broke and can’t afford to pay its employees anymore. Why can’t they just say that? It’s a slap in the face to say anything different. Buzzwords don’t make the laid off employees or the remaining employees feel better about their situation; they just make them more skeptical of the company.

It’s almost as if they pulled this approach right out of the Office Space playbook. Any office drone has probably seen that movie by now. It’s been almost ten years since it was released, but HR people still haven’t figured out that everyone is on to them.

To all employees:

We will be closed today due to the fact that it’s as hot as a monkey’s balls outside already. And it’s only 8am.

Stay home in an air-conditioned room and drink plenty of fluids, as the National Weather Service has upgraded from a “Heat Advisory” to an “Excessive Heat Warning.” We don’t quite know what that means, but it sounds pretty bad… bad enough to make us not want to leave our homes this morning.

If you must come to the office this morning, please note that the dress code has been suspended. You may wear whatever keeps you comfortable: shorts, sandals, nothing. Actually, our office will be clothing-optional today. Just continue to be mindful of our sexual harassment guidelines.

Please keep cool and look here for more announcements as this oppressive heat continues. And just don’t go outside, okay?

Thanks,
The Management

Office Manager #1: Hey! I have a great idea for how we can “go green!”

Office Manager #2: What’s that?

Office Manager #1: Let’s get rid of all of our paper cups!

Office Manager #2: Brilliant!

Office Manager #3: But we have a lot of visitors to our offices! Clients! Vendors! Business partners! What will they do when they want a cup of water from the water cooler, or a cup of coffee from the coffee maker?

Office Manager #2: …

Office Manager #1: WE’RE GOING GREEN! YAAAAY!

The past few days have reminded me that we’re coming up on my least favorite season: summer. It’s the season when I sweat just by stepping outside. Heck, I can start sweating just sitting at my desk. It’s hard for anyone to keep cool once it starts to warm up, but on those sweltering workdays, it’s especially hard for men.

Women have it easy during the summer. If it gets too hot, they can wear a skirt. A skirt’s fabric can be light. It allows for airflow in places that are prone to sweating. It also allows skin to be exposed, rather than forcing it to suffocate behind wool slacks. In addition, short-sleeved or 3/4-sleeved shirts compliment a woman’s attire. These shirts again allow for airflow against exposed skin. This attire is considered perfectly acceptable in a work environment.

Meanwhile, men are forced to wear slacks and long-sleeved dress shirts whether it’s 20 degrees or 100 degrees outside. I’m not saying I’d like to wear a skirt to work, but why are they acceptable for women while shorts and short-sleeved shirts on men are considered informal? It’s not like there aren’t good-looking shorts out there. Okay, so the guy pictured here doesn’t look particularly stylish. But at least he knows how to stay cool on those hot summer days.

I say we start a movement. On casual Fridays, we should wear shorts with a short-sleeved shirt and tie. Oh, you say we’re underdressed for work? How can we be underdressed? We’re wearing ties! Slowly, we’ll ease our employers into the concept of accepting shorts in the workplace. And then, maybe someday, our arms and legs will stay cool, and we’ll keep our cool in the summer heat. Someday, we will achieve equality in attire.

I know I’ve mentioned this before, but I thought I worked with a bunch of clever, competent, college-educated individuals. But after seeing this sign posted in our kitchen this morning, I’m starting to think twice about that.

If you’re a salesperson, and you’re cold-calling me, and you only leave your name and phone number in my voicemail, without any mention of where you’re from, who you’re representing, and what opportunity you’re pitching to me, why would I have any reason to call you back?

For example, I’ve gotten the following message about five times in the past two weeks:

“Hey, Chris! This is Maurice. Call me back! 973-XXX-XXXX.”

Oh! Of course! Maurice! That good friend of mine named Maurice!

Oh. Wait. I don’t know Maurice at all. I’ve never spoken with Maurice. He’s just some sales guy from Jersey. Yet he leaves me a message every time as though he’s my best friend. 

Eventually, he’ll give up. Maybe then, I’ll wait a few weeks and call him back to leave this message:

“Hey, Maurice! This is your old pal Chris. I’m worried… I haven’t heard from you in a while, and was just wondering how you were doing. Call me back! 212-XXX-XXXX.”

If you don’t have any pitch for what you’re selling to leave me in a voice message, you probably don’t have a very good product to sell. Either that, or you’re a very bad salesman. Even more likely, both are true.

I live in an area of my office where there are three men and nineteen women.

Because of this, I have been given the responsibility of killing the friendly roaches that have decided to call our office home in the past few days.

I’ve killed three today alone.

“Just scream if you need me,” I told them.

“Oh, we’ll be sure to,” one of my co-workers said.

Our company has hired a boatload of new people over the past month or so. Our floor has doubled in its capacity just since January. Unfortunately, it appears the vending machine company was not made aware of this.

And in the bottom, the only thing left are Lorna Doones. I didn’t know we had infants in the office.