east village idiot

I haven’t done one of these in a while, but when someone makes your morning miserable, you need to direct your anger somewhere.

So, congratulations to this week’s Idiot of the Week: the genius who decided to get on the L Train sick at rush hour this morning, wreaking havoc on Manhattan-bound service for an hour.

Really, thanks a lot, idiot. I don’t know who you are, or why you were sick, but I really don’t care. The MTA doesn’t put up those posters about getting off the train if you’re sick for their own amusement. They do it because people like you are assholes.

It’s amazing how selfish someone can be that they would ignore all warnings to inconvenience tens of thousands of other people. Come to think of it, outside of the subway, there are very few other places where it’s possible to single-handedly inconvenience so many other people.

I think I’ve already made my point clear, but Assembly Speaker Sheldon Silver is, without a doubt, this week’s Idiot of the Week. I’m actually disappointed that I’m a few blocks away from living in his district, because even I would gladly run against this beast who doesn’t seem to represent anything but his personal interests. If the voters in his district know what’s best for them, they will shame him publicly and vote him out this November.

As if being the main impediment to a Congestion Pricing vote in the State Assembly wasn’t enough to screw over the people living in his Lower Manhattan district, Sheldon Silver is pissed about something else that’s beneficial to the people in his district.

Congestion pricing was not the only traffic issue for Assembly Speaker Sheldon Silver and the city Department of Transportation over the past few weeks. A D.O.T. crew began digging up four locations at Grand St. intersections on Sat., March 15, at Clinton St., Pitt St. and two at Bialystoker Pl. “I passed by it and I thought it was a Con Edison dig,” Silver told us. But a few days later, the signs appeared at one of the sites identifying the work as the city’s traffic refuge islands project. Silver fired off a letter to Transportation Commissioner Janette Sadik-Kahn. The Assembly speaker was troubled because the project began without prior notice and he feared the islands would impede Grand St. traffic, which includes the M14A bus, commercial delivery and sanitation trucks and cars going to and from the F.D.R. Drive and the Williamsburg Bridge.

Yes, Speaker Silver, I’m sure you’re really protecting your constituents by whining about construction of a safe place to stand in the middle of an four-lane thoroughfare full of speeding cars  using one of those free East River crossings. You know, because those cars going from the FDR to the Williamsburg Bridge are just full of people who live in your district! No, they’re using your district as a cut-through, and the DOT is protecting your constituents from these car-centric out-of-towners.

Oh, and how did you notice this construction? Did you get a complaint from any of the people you represent? No. You saw it yourself, as you “passed by it.” How did you pass by it? I’m going to guess you were in your car - a luxury that more than 80% of your constituents do not have.

Let’s face it: almost 95% of Sheldon Silver’s district wouldn’t have paid a dime for a Congestion Pricing charge. But he would have, and that’s all that seems to matter. It’s happened time and time again: he blocked the West Side Stadium and took huge campaign donations from the owners of Madison Square Garden. He blocked tort reform and has been employed by a litigation firm. He blocked Congestion Pricing and drives a car despite living in a district served by nearly every subway line in the city. He does what’s best for him, not what’s best for his district.

What’s worse is that being Assembly Speaker affords him an outrageous amount of power over every piece of legislation that moves through the State Assembly. Come election time, voters in Silver’s district should not only consider the damage that he’s doing to his own district, but also the damage he’s doing to the island of Manhattan, all of New York City, and the entire State of New York.

Level-headed Democrats need to step up in Silver’s district. It’s a daunting task to defeat an Assembly powerhouse, but his actions cannot go unpunished. It’s time that voters made it clear that voting for special interests and personal interests will not be tolerated. It’s time that Silver’s constituents made their opinions heard in the loudest way they can.

If you ride the L Train regularly, you probably know which cars are the most crowded when the train rolls towards Brooklyn. Since the exits for the first four stations after Union Square are primarily at the rear of the train, the rear two subway cars can be packed, while the middle of the train is virtually empty.

This isn’t just true during rush hour - it’s especially true during rush hour.

That’s why this week’s Idiot of the Week is that scruffy hipster who decided it would be a good idea to bring his bike on an L Train at 6:30 last night.

Not only did he bring it onto the train - he brought it into the rear car of the train.

I shared the disdain of my fellow passengers as he tried to board the train with the bike. It was clear he had been waiting for the L Train for a while and could have chosen any spot on the platform… yet he chose the most crowded part of the train. When one passenger walked over to wait for the rear car, she audibly stated, “are you serious?” Apparently, he was. So serious, in fact, that he had to wheel his bike off and back on the train at 3rd Avenue to allow riders out that he had blocked in when getting on the train with this monstrosity.

He had the choice of any car on the L Train. And he chose the car that is almost always crowded.

At the very least, he could’ve been smart enough to use another car. But the world revolves around him, apparently. His bike stops for no one!

And wait a second! He has a bike! Why doesn’t he just ride it home? His bike was covered with snow in the wheel wells, so clearly he had already been riding it around in the bad weather last night.

Maybe the bike wasn’t a bike at all. Perhaps it was just one of those freaky hipster art pieces. Whatever the reason, he still brough a hulking piece of metal onto a crowded subway train, and that makes the goddamn hipster with a bike the Idiot of the Week.

This week’s Idiot of the Week is a criminal. He’s not your typical dumb criminal, per se. Jack Jordan is facing some pretty gnarly charges:

A man accused of stalking actress Uma Thurman has rejected a plea deal to check into a mental health facility after protesting his innocence over charges of coercion.

Jack Jordan is facing charges of harassment and felony coercion, which stem from an incident in which he allegedly told Thurman he would kill himself if he saw her with another man.

Seriously? Uma Thurman? Of all of the Hollywood actresses, you picked Uma Thurman to stalk? I mean, Jack, seriously, look at her!

Look, if you’re obsessed with a chick with Admiral Ackbar eyes, you’ve probably got some bigger problems than your stalking problem.

So, for having no taste in his stalking victims, Jack Jordan is this week’s Idiot of the Week!

Congratulations to this week’s Idiot of the Week: New York Governor Eliot Spitzer! It’s the first time he has been bestowed with this honor, as he’s usually considered to be a keen politician and a man of the people. Today, he’s just as keen a politican, but he has become a man of the stupid people.

Yesterday, Spitzer swooped in and played hero to the masses of New York City Subway riders by announcing that he would keep the base fare at $2. The media framed him as the champion of the common man. After months of a potential subway fare hike hanging over our heads, Spitzer found the funds to keep a subway ride affordable.

But wait. I don’t pay $2 per ride right now. I pay for a 30-day pass, which costs $76. These passes, along with 7-day passes, account for over 85% of the subway ridership. Commuters almost always buy these passes, because they make sound financial sense.

Who pays $2 for a subway ride? Idiots, that’s who. People who are too stupid to figure out a Metrocard machine. People who don’t realize that putting less than $10 on a Metrocard at one time is a poor financial decision. People who don’t realize that the MTA offers about five different options to prevent you from paying $2 per subway ride. Oh, and tourists pay $2. Stupid, gullible tourists.

Guess who’s getting cut a break, thanks to Spitzer’s heroics? No, not the everyday riders who pay for those passes every month… the people who pay $2 a subway ride! So, Elliot Spitzer is rewarding stupidity by leveling off the fare that only idiots pay, while forcing deserving commuters to take a cut in their discounts. This isn’t heroics, but Spitzer wants you to think it is. He thinks he’s using his keen political skills to swoop in and save the day when even he knows he’s screwing almost every person who commutes on the subway. You think that the media will just keep screaming that ’SPITZER STOPPED THE FARE HIKE,’ and the regular guys will be fooled into believing they were saved - until they go to a Metrocard Vending Machine sometime this Spring and discover the cost of their monthly pass just jumped eight bucks.

Nice try. Hey, Eliot, guess what paying more for your subway fare is called? A FARE HIKE. You’re taking us all for idiots, and we will call you on it. We’re hardened New Yorkers. We’re not going to sit idly by and get rolled over while you try to use us for political advantage. We, as commuters, will not be the pawns you use to boost your pathetic approval rating.

So, congrats, Eliot Spitzer, for being this week’s Idiot of the Week… and getting it all wrong.

It’s not every day that I declare a board-certified physician as the Idiot of the Week. But this week, that’s the case. 

When I was a kid, there were always those odd men out in the trick-or-treating routine. You know, the ones that the kids despise; they give out toothbrushes (they’re dentists), fruit (they’re doctors), or clams (they’re shellfishermen. Oh, sorry. I guess that only happens in Rhode Island). But that was always annoying neighbor just one in a whole bunch. The candy poured in, and we had a stash that lasted an entire month - one or two pieces at a time. Sure, we had a candy binge or two over that time, but that just came with the territory. We were happy with our once-a-year sugar highs, and all was right with the world.

But apparently, just like everything else, Halloween has apparently become bad for our health. amNewYork profiled Dr. Mehmet Oz - or as I like to call him, Dr. Buzzkill - who is running a program in New York City Public Schools called “Healthy Halloween.” The purpose: to “promote a Healthy Halloween (really? No kidding!), so kids won’t automatically associate bad foods with a celebration of fun and treats.”

Wait, what? What is a “treat?” Well, to him, it’s “fresh nuts, dried fruit with no added sugar, a nutritious fiber bar or low-fat yogurt.” YUM! Those are some real TREATS! Dr. Oz, you are sucking all of the fun and treats out of Halloween. God dammit, it’s one day a year. But, according to him, “a day of feasting on sugary, processed Halloween candy is one day too many.”

WHAT? Are you fucking serious? Fuck you, dude! Seriously. Dr. Oz is supposedly doing this as part of his campaign to prevent childhood obesity. How is ruining Halloween going to prevent childhood obesity? Parents who let their kids feast on Halloween candy once a year are not irresponsible parents. They’re just letting their children have a little fun! Dr. Oz, do you honestly think that a few Snickers Minis will completely ruin a child who eats three balanced meals 364 days a year? If so, go back to medical school, because I’ve had plenty of doctors tell me that everything is fine in moderation.

Why don’t you focus on the parents who take their kids to McDonald’s three times a week before you try to create a race of bland, boring, granola-eating children who won’t know what “fun” is anymore? Your approach is counterproductive! These kids will be so depressed by their boredom that they’ll overeat anyway. My God, I hope you’re not a parent, Dr. Oz, because you’d probably raise a gaggle of Zombie-Children.

Congratulations, asshole. You’re the Idiot of the Week, Dr. Oz. I hope that one day, I run into you on the street, just so I can pelt you with Halloween candy.

Not that this should ever come as a surprise, but this week’s Idiots of the Week are the folks at the MTA, who apparently live under a rock.

You see, for years, people on the L Train have been living with substandard service. And just about everyone who has ever taken an L Train knows this. It’s been going on since the turn of the century, and it has only gotten worse. And what has the MTA done about it? Practically nothing. Some minor improvements were made to the line (minor in the sense that passengers barely noticed - despite putting up with almost three full years of service shutdowns), but for the most part, the slowdowns are still there.

Until yesterday.

Yesterday, the MTA miraculously announced that they were adding a whopping 23(!) new round trips to the L Train every weekday, and even more on the weekends. Why? Because the L Train is overcrowded! Tell me something I didn’t know when today’s middle-schoolers were still in diapers, MTA. You’re trying to swoop in and act like heroes, but the fact that you waited this long to solve the problem shows that you are an agency incapable of springing to action when faced with any problem.

And what led them to realize that the L Train needed more service?

No, not dozens of editorials in local newspapers about overcrowding.

No, not MTA data that indicated the trains were well over capacity.

No, not the handful of websites dedicated to encouraging upgraded service.

It was last month’s ”Rider Report Card” that suddenly made them see the light, when L Train riders gave the train a “D” for “adequate room at rush hour.” Or, at least according to amNewYork, that’s why they added service.

Really, MTA? Are you serious? You took a completely non-random survey and suddenly you’re going to add more trains. Four years ago, I could’ve walked up to 50 people on the L Train and asked them, “does the L Train need more trains?” and 49 of them would have said “yes” (the 50th person was a hipster who just moved from Bumfuck, Minnesota and was using the subway for the first time).

Congratulations, MTA. You are the Idiots of the Week for this week - and for many, many weeks to come.

Well, folks, the Idiot of the Week Award has returned. This week’s Idiot is not just one person - but several thousand. Congratulations, L Train Riders, you are this week’s Idiots of the Week!

Really, I should be more specific. Not all L Train Riders are to blame for having this award bestowed on them; roughly 4,000 of them are actually to blame. Why? Because they’re the ones who filled out Rider Report Cards for the L Train - and gave the L Train a “C.“ A “C?” Are you serious? Have you people ridden the L Train at all? Even the 7 Train got a C-, and I’ve almost never had a problem on the 7! Yes, the L has shiny new trains, but that’s about the only thing that line has going for it. It’s constantly crowded, consistently inconsistent, and seems to have more breakdowns than Meg White.

The most baffling result of the survey was the L Train’s grade for “adequate room at rush hour” was only a “D.” Are these people riding the same trains I am? Apparently not, because unless “adequate room at rush hour” means “having exactly ten square inches space in the train every fucking morning,” I can’t see how anyone could give a grade higher than an “F.” Have these riders never noticed that by the time an L Train gets to Williamsburg, a Tokyo-subway-style stuffing of the train takes place at every stop? Have these riders never noticed that no other subway line is like this? What planet do these people live on?

Maybe those damn hipsters prefer quietly judging, so they didn’t take the survey. Or maybe everyone who lives along the L is so content with their lives in Brooklyn that they think giving someone an “F” is just not a nice thing to do. Either way, way to go, L Train Riders, for giving MTA a pat on the back that they don’t deserve. You are truly the Idiots of the Week!

Oh my God! Did you hear the news on channel 7? There are mice running around the Pinkberry on the Upper East Side! How disgusting! First, it was rats. Now, it’s mice! This is out of control! We must stop this massive incoming health crisis! EVERYBODY PANIC!

Yes, there are mice running around in closed restaurants in New York City. In other news: the sky is blue, the earth is round, and the subway doesn’t always run on time. Shocking stuff! Look, I’ve seen a mouse run loose in my apartment, and it didn’t necessitate a visit from a camera crew or the Department of Health and Mental Hygiene. A few mice running loose in a New York City restaurant are not worthy of any amount of time on the local news, let alone a top story.

Not to mention that this isn’t a compelling story. The Rats at Taco Bell were out of control. It was a pack of ugly, mutant rats, jumping over every square foot of floor and every piece of furniture. Meanwhile, I could count the number of mice at Pinkberry on one hand. They had to highlight the mice on the video just to distinguish them from a stain on the floor. There’s no mistaking rats. And mice are cute! They’re small and look pretty much harmless. In the unnecessarily-long story on the WABC, they interviewed patrons at Pinkberry on Sunday, and none of them said it would stop them from coming. You know why? Because it’s two fucking little mice. Hell, if they didn’t charge freaking five bucks for a little cup of frozen yogurt, I’d almost feel bad for Pinkberry.

So, congratulations, WABC. You are the Idiots of the Week! Two mice roaming around a Manhattan restaurant is not surprising, revolting, or particuarly unhealthy, no matter how much you guys want to tell us it is.

Yesterday, New York City Council Speaker Christine Quinn and Mayor Mike Bloomberg proudly announced together that they had reached an agreement on the city’s budget for the next fiscal year. The budget includes finding use for the city’s massive $4.4 billion tax surplus.

Some of the plans for the surplus are quite logical: provide $75 million in tax relief for small businesses. Cut property taxes for homeowners by 7%. Reopen libraries six days a week for the 47 New Yorkers who still actually use libraries.

There’s one thing in the plan that’s obviously missing: tax relief for renters. 2/3 of all New Yorkers rent their homes. Speaker Quinn had been pushing for a $300 tax rebate for renters. Since property owners are getting tax relief (many of whom don’t even live in New York City), shouldn’t renters also get a piece of this massive surplus?

No, because Speaker Quinn is just another spineless Democrat on our City Council. She’d rather cave in to Mayor Mike than take a stand for the little guy.

Instead, Quinn and Bloomberg would rather eliminate the city sales tax on items like this:

These are a pair of 7 Denim shorts. They are made of such little material that it’s a wonder you can even see them. They retail for a ridiculous $202. If you buy them in New York City now, you’d pay $218.92 with tax. But thanks to Mayor Mike and Speaker Quinn, you’ll soon pay just $210.08!

That’s right. The agreement includes the elimination of the city sales tax on clothing and shoes over $110. The city sales tax on clothing and shoes under $110 was eliminated last year, and rightly so - clothing, much like groceries, are a necessity. Any piece of clothing over $110 is not a necessity - it is a luxury. If you are wealthy enough to justify paying $202 for a piece of denim that’s barely the size of my own two hands, you deserve to pay the city sales tax on it. This is a luxury tax.

So, rather than provide tax relief to cash-strapped renters who already get screwed by their landlords’ outrageous rent increases (even when the city is regulating the rent), the city would rather give more tax relief to the same people who own $2.3 million lofts, run up $400 restaurant bills at the Waverly Inn, and pay for bottle service at Marquee.

Oh, and by the way, 9% of that sales tax goes to fund the MTA. You ever hear of the MTA? That’s the agency that’s plummeting into debt. The agency that provides one of the most important services in this city. The agency that people who can afford $202 jean shorts hail a cab to avoid.

Thanks for looking out for the little guy, Mayor Bloomberg and Speaker Quinn. You guys are truly the Idiots of the Week.