east village idiot

Ghost Town - Shiny Toy Guns

Have a good weekend. Watch out for the green beer.

This morning, I was going down the stairs to the L Train, knowing full well that a train was in the station. I was stuck behind this seemingly able-bodied middle-aged man wearing a burgundy jacket who took a careful, slow, steady pace down the stairs. With the stairs crowded with uphill traffic, there was nothing to do but continue behind him. By the time he finally reached the bottom of the stairs, the train’s doors were closing. I gave him a nasty stare as I passed by him once we reached the platform. As I turned to give my stare, lo and behold, his burgundy jacket had a patch on its sleeve with this logo:

Obviously, he was moving at his working pace. You can’t slow down an MTA employee! They’re already as slow as they can get.

 · · · · · · · · · · · ·

So, it’s been more than two weeks since I quit Facebook, and I’ve actually inspired a few others to join my movement. Unfortunately, since most movements begin as Facebook groups these days, I am unable to know who is actually a part of my movement.

Also, there is no truth to the rumor that this story is the real reason that I’m no longer on Facebook.

 · · · · · · · · · · · ·

Things I’m currently obsessed with right now:

- Shake Shack’s French Fries: I’ve totally come around on these things. The first two years Shake Shack was open, I was extremely unimpressed with their fries. I was completely convinced that there was no such thing as a good crinkle-cut french fry. Since then, I’ve always ordered my burger without fries. Then, I went back this week and took a walk on the wild side. The fries were different! They’re crispy on the outside and perfectly cooked inside. I can’t believe I went so long without them. I’ll never look at crinkle-cut fries the same way again.

- Mussels Mariniere: Quite possibly, my favorite meal ever… as prepared by me. Sure, it took $20 worth of Whole Foods shopping just to get the ingredients for one batch, but it was totally worth it. Look at that masterpiece! Doesn’t it look delicious? Serve it with a white wine, and enjoy. I’ve never been an expert in French cooking, but I’ve got this one down, at least. Bring me mussels and I’ll make it for you anytime. Seriously.

- Magic Hat Odd Notion Spring 2009: Holy crap. This beer totally blew my mind. You can find it in Magic Hat’s Seasonal 12-Pack as a limited edition beer. The beer type? Pilsener. The flavor? Poppy and agave. WHAT? It’s sour, it’s savory, it’s a little nutty (both in flavor and in concept), and it might be the strangest and most delicious beer I’ve ever had.

- Running: Well, somehow I have to make up for the three things above. I swear, I’m not going to be that guy who overnight decides to join New York Road Runners and wants to run a marathon. But I’ve run about 30 miles in the past two weeks. Why? I can’t really explain it. I’d hate to say that I get a runner’s high, but for some reason, I get on a treadmill and don’t want to stop. Yes, a treadmill - often known as the most excruciating form of exercise imaginable. Maybe I just like torturing myself.

 · · · · · · · · · · · ·

Now, a video I’ve been meaning to share for weeks… the greatest moment of The Office this season, and the inspiration for my newest overused catch phrase:

Boom. Roasted.

Have a great weekend, everyone. Follow me on Twitter if you must know what I’m thinking over the weekend.

It’s a Friday afternoon before a long weekend, and I know this afternoon is going to crawl along. A nap would be nice tonight (prior to a raucous 30th birthday party), but that’s unlikely with my energy level and the obscene amounts of caffeine I’ve had today. Last weekend, I ran 10 miles to use that energy. My body took that abuse pretty well, so I’ll probably repeat the process this weekend. But don’t worry, I’m not going to turn into one of those jackass runners who brags about the marathon they’re running or keeps a blog of their training runs. Me? A runner? I’m holding my sides just thinking about it.

 · · · · · · · · · · · ·

You know what bugs me? Orbit Gum’s packaging. It hasn’t changed in the eight years I’ve been chewing the stuff, and it’s still just as annoying as the day I tried it. The foil sticks to the gum and falls apart, and you have to play tug-of-war with the package just to get a stick of gum.

Seriously, it’s been like this for years, and they STILL haven’t come up with a better system. Don’t you think they’ve gotten a fair number of complaints about it? Or am I the only one bothered by this?

 · · · · · · · · · · · ·

Great moments in beer news written by non-beer drinkers:

Owner Alan Natkiel tells us he’s installed a custom cooler (which he assures us is “very big and very cold”) and stocked it with suds both highish brow (Abita, Lonestar) and low (PBR, Miller High Life).

Lone Star is “highish brow?!” Did the author happen to do a Google search to see who brews Lone Star?

Pabst.

If you think Lonestar is highbrow, you would probably be willing to pay $7 for a pint of Blue Moon, since it’s a “premium” beer (it’s brewed domestically… by Coors).

 · · · · · · · · · · · ·

And speaking of booze prices, in this economy, if I’m already paying $40 to go to a charitable function, I probably don’t have $16 to spend on a drink, $4 to spend on coat check, and $6.95 just to get access to a $20 bill to cover all that. Just sayin’.

 · · · · · · · · · · · ·

Finally, enjoy this little gem from Ellen, brought to you courtesy of the brilliant minds of TBTL:

I love Jesus, but I drink a little. I concur. Except when it comes to the words “Jesus” and “little.”

Have a great weekend. In the meantime, follow me on Twitter. Oh, and hey, isn’t tomorrow Valentine’s Day? Yeah, good luck with that.

The weekend is finally here! And since I was sick last weekend, I need to make up for it this time around. This weekend will include drinking, sleeping, dating, WINTER JAM on Saturday (not MONSTER JAM, that would be on SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY), and finding new ways to cope with Sundays without football.

 · · · · · · · · · · · ·

First, there were Zombies.

Now, bring on the raptors!

Zombies in Texas, Raptors in Indiana… these are clearly signs of the apocalypse.

Clearly.

 · · · · · · · · · · · ·

My ex-girlfriend and I used to do the New York Times Crossword Puzzle together quite often. After we broke up, I tried to avoid the crossword in an effort to erase all the memories of coming up with all those clever puns that span the entire puzzle.

This week, in an effort to put it all behind me, I decided to break out Monday’s crossword puzzle and give it a whirl. And clearly, the New York Times Crossword Puzzle knows me too well.

ACROSS
16. Get ____ it! (4 letters)

Dammit, New York Times, GET OUT OF MY HEAD!

 · · · · · · · · · · · ·

I made an amazing find this week at Trader Joe’s. I’d hate to spill their secret, because I don’t want them to run out before I can stock up, but I may have found the best deal on beer in New York City.

Meet, to your right, Simpler Times Lager. A lager for… simpler times. The can? Mediocre. The body? Mediocre. The taste? Mediocre. But it’s $3.99 for a six-pack. I challenge you to find a better beer deal in New York… at a bar, at a restaurant, at a store… anywhere. There isn’t one.

There’s also a pilsener they sell in bottles for $4.99. Also a good deal.

And, the icing on the cake? The lager is 6.2% ABV. A Bud Light, which is probably the only beer you might be able to find for something remotely close to this price, is about 4.2% ABV. More bang for your buck!

See, as much as I complain about Trader Joe’s, there are things worth standing in line for. This beer is most definitely one of them.

 · · · · · · · · · · · ·

And finally, some developing news.

Have a great weekend. And look out for those hamster child abductors.

Sorry that I’ve been out of commission the last couple of days. You may have figured out by the fact that the only post I’ve made in the last three days was about watching television that I’ve been sick. Some stomach bug that’s been running through both my circle of friends and my co-workers managed to hit me. I haven’t been eating much of anything, although today I seem to be improving - perhaps because I haven’t eaten anything yet today. This is particularly troubling, since one of the biggest eating and drinking days of the year is coming up on Sunday. I’ll manage.

The last time I was sick for Super Bowl Sunday was in 2002. I had a full-blown case of the flu, and I laid on my friend’s floor in his apartment, barely breathing, barely awake, as I watched my New England Patriots win their first Super Bowl. Upon their victory, I raised my fist in celebration, then was driven back to my dorm room, where rolled over and passed out for the next 14 hours, until a friend pounded on my door, yelling at me for missing the first day of classes of the semester. My memory of that game is limited at best. Then again, thanks to the copious amounts of partying, my memory of the college is limited at best.

 · · · · · · · · · · · ·

Ever wondered what a 42-pound bag of laundry looks like? This is what I just brought home, after neglecting my mound of dirty clothes in my room for 2 1/2 weeks (with a shoe for a sense of scale):

This is sad in itself, but what’s also sad is that I have a large enough wardrobe that I can put off doing laundry for 2 1/2 weeks and still have clean clothes to wear.

 · · · · · · · · · · · ·

If you ever wanted to commit copious amounts of mail fraud in the East Village, you could probably do it fairly quickly by stopping by the Subway on 1st Avenue around lunchtime. Opportunities to break Federal law do not usually come this easily in my neighborhood.

Naturally, I am not encouraging this, obviously. I mean, mailmen have it bad enough already, considering they want to cut back mail delivery to five days a week. Nor rain, nor sleet, nor snow… but Saturdays? Oh, fuck that!

 · · · · · · · · · · · ·

Often times, in news reports, journalists refer to the President as simply that - “the President.” Unfortunately, it appears I have not yet adjusted to the Obama administration, because every time I hear the words “the President,” the hair raises on my neck, my blood pressure shoots up, and I picture this guy in my head.

Remember him?

So please, journalists, can we go through a slow, steady adjustment instead of jumping right into using the term “the President?” A couple weeks of “President Obama” would be nice. And it would probably make me smile every time I hear it.

 · · · · · · · · · · · ·

Last but not least, enjoy this little gem of a Super Bowl ad - my favorite of all-time:

That’s all she wrote. Have a great weekend. Go… Steelers? Cards? Meh. Go Commercials!

Can’t get enough of me? Call a psychologist, and follow me on Twitter this weekend.

Yeah, sorry about not giving you the Friday Finisher you were probably eagerly awaiting all day as you obsessively hit reload on my blog. You may want to find a new hobby. Don’t make me file a restraining order.

It’s Saturday afternoon, and I finally have a few moments to myself to post some zingers.

Or not, because my head is pounding from staying out until 4am last night and I can’t focus enough to write more than a couple sentences at a time.

So here’s a video I like.

Have a great weekend, or what’s left of it. And hand me two aspirin. Thanks.

Last night, I was tweeing with my friend Heather, who recently moved back to her native Australia. She was making plans for her weekend already. It was 12:30am in New York, and a brisk 13 degrees. In Sydney, it was 4:30pm on Friday afternoon, and a comfortable 76 degrees.

And what was the only logical thought to come to mind? “We need teleportation. NOW!” Seriously, an hour of Southern Hemisphere sunshine on a cold Thursday night would make life infinitely better. Why don’t we have that yet? Or at the very least, an indoor beach like the one in Japan?

This three-day weekend is just what the doctor ordered. These weeks were my first consecutive five-day weeks of work since October. If this wipes me out, how am I going to get through that period between Presidents Day and Memorial Day where there are no holidays? Inebriation? Meditation? Medication? Masturbation? Probably a combination of those.

 · · · · · · · · · · · ·

I caught this sign on one of the shiny new E Trains heading up 8th Avenue: 

Subway rules, from left to right:

No smoking.

No standing with a strange mobile sticking out of your ear.

No listening to the radio out of a 1980s-era boom box, even though you’re underground and can’t get a signal, anyway.

But seriously, I consider myself to be pretty well-versed on the MTA’s rules, but I have no idea what the middle symbol is supposed to depict. Any ideas, readers?

 · · · · · · · · · · · ·

Stay warm this weekend, readers. And you can always follow me on Twitter to get the latest mundane updates on what I’m doing or thinking over this long weekend.

And remember, as cold as it is today, it’s not cold enough to do this with a cup of hot water:

Peace out, homies.

Wow, it’s been a while since I’ve done one of these. Three weeks to be exact. Now that you’ve made it through a full week of work, I will reward you with a Friday Finisher.

Unless you’re unemployed, like 7.2% of Americans. Then you didn’t make it through a full week of work, so you don’t deserve this. But I’m sure you’ll enjoy it anyway.

 · · · · · · · · · · · ·

There are some pretty remarkable companies listed on the NASDAQ. For example, I saw a business’ ad on a building last night that directed me to their stock ticker symbol.

This business seems important! Not only are they advertising on a billboard in Times Square, but they’re also reminding investors that they are a publicly-traded company. What do they do? Financial Services? Retail Banking? Consulting?

Oh my, it’s a strip club (and steakhouse). Well, I guess you could call that “consulting.”

Much like their employees, their stock is going down.

 · · · · · · · · · · · ·

I love it when tourists are in front of me at the deli by my office in Midtown. It makes for some great entertainment like this exchange between a tourist and a cashier:

Tourist: Get I get a pack of Marlboro Lights?
Cashier: Sure…. nine dollars.
Tourist: NINE DOLLARS?! NINE DOLLARS FOR A PACK OF CIGARETTES?
Cashier: Yes, yes.

It was abundantly clear that he thought he was getting ripped off by the cashier. He reluctantly paid, and gave her an evil eye on the way out the door. By the end of the weekend, he’s going to start thinking he’s got “sucker” tatooed on his forehead if he’s a pack-a-day smoker.

 · · · · · · · · · · · ·

Finally, a message from our sponsor:

Have a great weekend, everyone. And keep an eye out for people with no pants.

I’ve neglected to write a post about the snow, but I think that after three winters of blogging in New York, I’ve pretty much written all I can about how, despite living in a northern climate, residents of this city can’t seem to tolerate a snowfall of two inches or more. Admittedly, we haven’t had more than five inches in a storm since the Blizzard in ‘05, but still, people… chill. the. fuck. out. It’s only snow.

· · · · · · · · · · · · · · ·

I can’t believe I find myself saying this, but right now, I wish I lived in New Jersey. Because of the hysteria over the snow storm, the people in my office who live in Jersey are all leaving early because they’re afraid they may never get home. Or at least that’s the excuse they’re using. I’m not buying it, but I wish I could use it myself.

On the other hand, I would have to live in New Jersey.

· · · · · · · · · · · · · · ·

Actually, Jersey isn’t sounding too bad right now, considering that David Paterson has proposed increasing taxes on my three major vices: beer, cable television, and iTunes downloads. Now, not to go overboard with amNewYork today, but they had a completely unscientific poll on this subject with some very telling results:

This could be interpreted two ways:

- 57% of New Yorkers are leaving! Increased vacancy rates! Plummeting housing prices! And yes, Fratboy Jimmy and Hipster Johnny really will go back to the Midwest!

- 57% of amNewYork readers are leaving! Tribune Company is already bankrupt, and now they’re totally screwed - they’re going to lose half their readership!

Maybe it’s both?

· · · · · · · · · · · · · · ·

More replies from this week in my Twitter Hall of Fame:

evillageidiot: God bless the fine people at R Bar for installing stripper poles, making it equally a classy and classless joint.
ozskier: @evillageidiot Chris, don’t forget… You can’t spell class without “ass”.

That’s all I got. Y’all weren’t very funny this week. Then again, neither was I. I guess that’s not really giving you an incentive to follow me.

· · · · · · · · · · · · · · ·

Here’s your video of the week… it’s nothing funny, but it’s definitely my song-on-repeat-on-my-iPod of the week. Enjoy Kings of Leon with “Use Somebody.”

Have a great weekend! And keep your feet dry.

I think New York Times’ City Room blog is really encroaching on my territory. A story about walk and don’t walk signals? Come on, guys! You’re professional journalists. Leave the minutia to me, okay?

· · · · · · · · · · · · · · ·

I’m working on a new project with Clinton of Zombie Fights Shark. It’s going to be a podcast with the two of us and a player to be named later. We’ll talk about random shit and get drunk while we do it, too… so the show will just go downhill from the beginning. If all goes well and my technical expertise is as good as I think it is, it just might be up next week. It could also be a complete disaster in which we talk brilliantly for two hours and end up with a two-hour long audio file of dead air. If that’s the case, we may upload the dead air and still call it our podcast. It’s an art piece!

· · · · · · · · · · · · · · ·

Best Twitter replies of the week:

evillageidiot: Oral steroids, topical steroids, and steroid solution! HEAR ME ROAR!
adamjt @evillageidiot PUT. DOWN. THE CAR.

evillageidiot: And for my next trick, I will be pricked in the arm with allergens.
Tina_cious @evillageidiot I liked the first 9 words of that tweet.

Thanks for keeping me occupied while I was sick this week. I’m feeling much better now, but you can be assured some drunken tweets over the weekend. Follow me!

· · · · · · · · · · · · · · ·

I’m heading to a karaoke party tonight. This particular party includes a lot of total strangers, so I have to make a good impression. It’s hard to make a good impression when you need a fair amount of liquor in you just to sing in front of strangers.

So, after much deliberation (and help from the folks at TBTL), I’ve found the perfect karaoke song. It’s in my range, it’s well-known, and it has a choral element so everyone can get in on the singing. Plus it’s not a stereotypical karaoke song. Here goes nothing:

Any other requests or suggestions for good karaoke songs for tonight?

Have a great weekend. Enjoy Mr. Big. And I don’t mean Chris Noth.*

* Quite possibly the first and only Sex and the City reference to ever be seen in the 3 1/2-year history of this blog.