east village idiot

Last year, I created a Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest Drinking Game: pick your contestant, and take a drink for every hot dog eaten. And if you want to get wasted before 1pm on the Fourth of July, the obvious pick is Takeru Kobayashi.

So this year, I figured I’d actually go to the contest. The crowd was massive. I was a block away from the hot dogs themselves. To be honest, I felt kind of guilty attending this event and cheering these gluttons on. They’re stuffing their faces while there are kids starving in Africa! These people are eating 500 hot dogs in 12 minutes! That could feed a small African village for a week with completely unnutritious mechanically separated mystery meat!

The resumes of these guys made me hungry for foods other than hot dogs. Grilled Cheese eating champion! Corned Beef and Cabbage eating champion! Crab Cake eating champion! Asparagus eating champion (do not go near his urinal after that)!

Kobayashi won, and set a new world record: 54 hot dogs in 12 minutes. I don’t think I’ve eaten 54 hot dogs over the course of the last four years. That, for the record, is over 17,000 calories. You would have to power-walk for nearly an entire day to burn that all off. Walking back up to the subway, just the thought of it got me sick. I was kind of nauseous for the entire trip back on the F train, and felt the need to go the gym as soon as I got home, even though I didn’t eat a single hot dog.

One last thought: apparently, “the average American” eats 23 hot dogs every summer. Are competitive eaters included in that statistic? Because that would definitely throw it off, and that number seems a little high to begin with. And competitive eaters are not exactly “average Americans.” Or are they? This just might be my warped view from a blue state.

Okay, I’ve talked enough about hot dogs. Just the thought of one is making me sick now.

Dear Jamba Juice,

Your new Melon-Ade smoothie is delicious, but would it kill you to mix it more? Honeydew Melon doesn’t blend the way other fruits do, so what I’m left with is a chunky smoothie. A chunky smoothie! That’s a contradiction in terms! I drank a contradiction for breakfast this morning!

Love,
Chris

Dear N Train Conductor,

Did you not notice that there were still people coming out of the train when you tried to close the doors this morning? I realize that you’re trying to move things along, but that was not cool. I had to dive into the train at the first opportunity when I saw the doors start to close. Although it brings up a good question: if you threaten to close the doors, will slow tourists move faster? My guess is no.

Love,
Chris

Dear Friday,

Please move faster. I want to go home.

Love,
Chris

I’ve been trying to make some sort of summer plans. Lacking vacation days and vacation funds, it’s hard to plot out a serious trip. Even going to the beach seems like a hassle, since the weather here hasn’t been cooperating.

But I have at least one solid goal in place for this summer. Dates haven’t been set. Transportation has not been coordinated. But one thing is certain: I will go to the nearest Sonic Drive-In to New York City this summer.

Being a native New Englander, I have never had a Sonic experience. Some of you Midwesterners and Southerners may take it for granted, but I don’t know what kind of reputation they have. I don’t know proper Sonic ordering etiquette. I don’t even know much about what they serve.

But thanks to their clever unscripted national advertising, I have a desparate craving for the drive-in phoenomenon that is Sonic. I feel that having never been to a Sonic, my life is incomplete.

So, sometime this summer, given the proper timing and coordination of transportation, I will go to the nearest Sonic to New York City. The nearest location is 146 miles away, in Ephrata, PA, in the heart of Pennsylvania Dutch Country. So, you know, I can pick up a burger and a Hex Sign.

According to Google Maps, it’s a 3-hour drive. I will undoubtedly spend more on gas than I will on the food itself. Unless I really go overboard.

The sweet reward? Fast Food Bliss. And thus begins… The Great Sonic Quest.

After being among S’Mac’s first customers on Saturday afternoon, I went back with some friends on Sunday night for dinner. Sure enough, the line was approaching Shake Shack proportions, as we waited over an hour just to order. Thankfully, unlike Shake Shack, they moved the line at a speed its kitchen could handle, so it only took us about 5 minutes to get our food once we ordered.

Tolerating a Soviet-era Bread Line for macaroni and cheese is hard to fathom for even small-town folk. But for some reason, we New Yorkers keep coming back, and we wait in seemingly endless lines because of the reward: a good cheeseburger, lots of beer, or cheap organic food. When waiting in a line at Shake Shack, or the Astoria Beer Garden, or Trader Joe’s, most New Yorkers exhibit something rare in this city: patience.

Most New Yorkers, that is. While we were waiting in line, a middle-aged woman was snooping around the storefront and the long line extended out of it. She went up to the counter twice while we were standing in line, and tried to order ahead of everyone. The staff would have none of it. They ignored her. So, she had the nerve to start asking people in line if she could cut in front of them. What are we, six years old?

Naturally, everyone in line started talking about her. “Who the hell does she think she is,” one of them asked.

She overheard one of them and snapped back, “hey, you know what? Chill out.”

I turned to the group that she just shouted at and said, “we are chilled out. We’re waiting in line like mature adults.” She was not in earshot, which is probably for the best, as I’ve been avoiding confrontation since last week’s experience at Best Buy.

Seriously, though. Do some New Yorkers feel so entitled that they don’t believe they have to wait in line? Wait your turn, asshole - just like everyone else.

Of course, you can cut in front of me… for the right price.

I was customer #6 at 12:15 today. Delicious mozzarella cheese, basil, garlic, and roasted tomatoes with perfectly-cooked macaroni. The result? A dish so creamy, you could eat it with a spoon (which is exactly how my little sister used to eat her mac and cheese).

The line has not yet reached Shake Shack proportions, so get it while the getting is good!

S’Mac, 345 East 12th Street between 1st and 2nd Avenues, smacnyc.com

- Just in case you thought I forgot, The Great Beer Fast continues, now in Day 22. Imagine that. 22 days without beer! How long will it last? I think once I’ve lost a good solid 15 pounds, I will allow myself a beer or two, especially when it’s $3 for a Harpoon during Sox games at Professor Thom’s. I’ve lost roughly 6 to 9 pounds, depending on whether I weigh myself after a rep lunch, soaking wet, or after a night of drinking.

- My diet is ruined. I may have to give up beer permanently with the opening of S’Mac just half a block from my apartment. Since I saw this place finally get its act together over the past couple weeks, I’ve had visions of crusty mac and cheese running through my head.

- A recent post on Logged Hours has inspired me to write about my embarassing junior high experiences, so look for that soon. Honestly, I could probably write a book about my embarassing junior high experiences, but I’d rather not relive it long enough to write a book, thanks.

- The espresso in the office coffee machine in the kitchen on my floor may be the worst I’ve ever tasted, but it definitely gets the job done.

Me: Can I have a small peanut butter-banana shake?
Smoothie Bar girl: Would you like protein in that?
Me: Yes, the protein that’s in the peanut butter.

Me: Can I have an Absolut Blackberry and soda?
Bartender: Flavored Absolut drinks are $3 tonight.
Me: I know, that’s what I just asked for.
Bartender: Oh.

Bill Maher: New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole

Me: I’ll have a Grande Light-Ice Vanilla Almond Non-Fat Latte.

Dennis Leary: He’s an asshole, what an asshole!

I’ve lost another pound since the beginning of the week. This brings the grand total to five pounds since I started a daily regimen of going to the gym.

I think that giving up beer, in general, has helped me avoid alcohol altogether. Beer is cheap in New York. Mixed drinks are not, unless you enjoy rubbing alcohol and cranberry juice.

I’ve found a new addiction, though: caffeine. Namely, the low-quality, but highly-caffeinated espresso in the office coffee machine. I pour a double shot, put it over ice, and add milk and Equal. Twice a day. Before lunch.

Every workday between 11am and noon, I feel like I’m on top of the world!

Previous updates: Day 6, Hour 1

Good News and Bad News for the Beer Fast…

Good News: It could be completely by coincidence, but on Saturday, I weighed myself for the first time since giving up beer… and I’ve lost 3 pounds since last Tuesday.

Bad News: Switching to alternative forms of alcohol has its consequences. I had a Red Bull & Vodka around 1 on Saturday night… and I was wide awake until 6:30 in the morning. Did you know the sky is blue at 4:45am this time of year? I didn’t.

Previously: The Great Beer Fast Update: Hour 1; A Shadow of My Current Self

I want a beer.

Really, really bad.