east village idiot

This little gem comes from the restroom at Angels & Kings, which is partly owned by Fall Out Boy guitarist Pete Wentz.

By the way, thanks for constantly pounding on the restroom door not 15 seconds after I got in there, douchebag. It’s locked. Wait. And if you have to go that badly, find a beer bottle and a dark corner.

Thanks in part to a delicious pint of Peak Espresso Amber Ale, I made a contribution to the streetscape on East 7th Street on Saturday Night.

The smile may not have been necessary, given the grill on the front of this minivan. Then again, I am always my harshest critic.

Having not really dated by most definitions in over two years, it’s hard to get your groove back. This weekend, I went out to a bar on the Lower East Side that packed in a bunch of sloppy drunk girls celebrating birthday and holiday parties. It was early in the night, however, when I realized that it was going to take a long time for me to remember what it’s like to flirt with a total stranger.

It wasn’t even 10:30 when a cute Asian girl walked up to me, smiled, and said, “excuse me, but my friend really likes your hat, and she really wants to know where you got it.”

My first reaction, and my only reaction, in fact, was to race these thoughts through my head: wow, where did I get this hat? It was a long time ago. Maybe I got it when I lived in Vermont? Maybe I got it at H&M? I can’t remember! I’m pretty sure it was H&M.

“I think I got it at H&M,” I replied after several seconds of deep thought. “But it was like three years ago.”

“Oh. Okay. Thanks.”

Now, yes, maybe I’m reading too much into her question in retrospect, and maybe she honestly wanted to know where I got my hat. But there is one detail missing about my hat: it was completely unremarkable. It’s a solid red knit skullcap. There are no identifying features, and it looks like a hat you could pick up from any one of those street vendors in Midtown for about five bucks.

Ryan was standing right next to me when this incident happened. “Dude,” he laughed, “she totally wants you!”

“She does?”

“Of course she does. I was going to elbow you, but I thought that would’ve been too obvious.”

I think I may need these cues. In the infancy of my return to dating life, I am unaware of the obvious.

It’s going to take a while to get back on the dating wagon again. Apparently, I wouldn’t know a woman hitting on me if she slapped me in the face. And if I continue to overanalyze every word a woman says to me instead of striking up a friendly conversation, I just might get slapped in the face.

I’ve made some bad decisions in my life, but definitely ranking among the top 20 worst would be the amount of alcohol that I consumed on Friday night. It was one of the two times I’ve ever blacked out. Both times, coincidentally, occurred while I was in transit home from drinking. I have no recollection of getting home, but I do know that it happened very, very late (or early).

I only learned this while perusing my camera phone pictures from the weekend. I came across a picture I apparently took at 6:34am on Saturday morning. It’s a non-descript subway station - I can’t tell which one, but it’s probably on the L line given the electronic sign. There’s also a guy playing a saxophone, which is quite possibly what I deemed worthy of a picture.

I wish I had turned the camera around on myself, so I could figure out if I had my favorite fleece jacket on at the time. Aside from my liver, that jacket is the only other known victim of Friday night’s activities.

To L Train passengers waiting at Bedford Avenue at 3am on Saturday morning:

I am deeply, deeply sorry if I offended you with my incredibly immature drunken antics that involved the defacing of a couple of “Wet Paint” signs.

Deeply, deeply sorry.

ONE LAST REMINDER - I’m hosting the debut of Triviotic tonight at 8pm at Arrow, downstairs at 85 Avenue A. It’s the perfect cure for your case of the Mondays. See all the details on Facebook. Hope to see you there!

For years now, my friends have told me, “Chris, you have so much useless knowledge in your head.”

Well, starting next Monday, it becomes useful, as I present Triviotic with the East Village Idiot. It’s a weekly trivia night that covers all your grade-school subjects. There are even some multiple-choice rounds that may require a number-2 pencil and Scantron answer sheets. It’s like you’re back in an exam room again… except this time, there will be alcohol.

The details are as follows:

Triviotic with the East Village Idiot
Date: Mondays beginning March 24th
Time: 8pm
Location: Arrow, 85 Avenue A (downstairs), in the East Village
Admission: Free, of course. I wouldn’t put my name on it otherwise.

RSVP on Facebook and you’ll get a sneak preview of one of the questions in your Facebook inbox on Monday.

Also, be sure to come early to study and enjoy Arrow’s 2-for-1 happy hour. It’s one happy hour that you probably won’t find in amNewYork.

It’s St. Patrick’s Day! Actually, it’s not really St. Patrick’s Day. That was on Saturday. Or more than two weeks ago if you’re from Hoboken. But it’s St. Patrick’s Day (Observed)!

Being on a Monday poses some problems for the drinkers among the workforce. For example, do you leave work right at 5? Do you try to sneak out early? Do you try to squeeze in a liquid lunch? These are all very serious questions. And so, I will pose a serious question to you:

Place your more detailed plans in the comments below. And enjoy a green beer for me.

When you flipped your calendar to March this weekend, were you bummed to discover that March 17th is a Monday this year?

“Damn,” you thought. “That’s not very conducive to drinking in large quantities to celebrate the fact that I am [100%, 50%, 25%, 1.5625%, 0%] Irish.”

Well, you’re in luck, my friend. St. Patrick’s Day isn’t on March 17th this year!

Contrary to what your calendar may say, the Catholic Church decided last summer to move St. Patrick’s Day to March 15th to avoid conflicting with Holy Week, which begins on Palm Sunday, March 16th:

Under the Church’s rules, the General Norms for the Liturgical Year and Calendar, the saint’s feast day does not rank as high as the Monday before Easter and has to be moved.

After much deliberation, Rome gave Irish authorities the green light to shift the official religious celebrations two days back to March 15th, which falls on a Saturday.

The result: St. Patrick’s Day will be on a Saturday for the second year in a row. Enjoy this rescheduling, because it’s a once-in-a-lifetime event. St. Patrick’s Day won’t conflict with Holy Week again until 2160.

Thanks to planning that begins years in advance, there are two St. Patrick’s Days in New York City this year, since the parade is still scheduled for Monday, March 17th. And there are three, if you count Hoboken, New Jersey’s annual sh*tshow on March 1st.

Now you know, and knowing is half the battle (getting wasted on green beer is the other half).

It’s that time of year again! The Hoboken St. Patrick’s Day Parade is this Saturday. Recommendation: STRONG SELL. If it’s anything like my experience last year, it’s an opportunity to find new and exciting ways to hate on Jersey.

By the way, be sure to check out Hoboken’s Fourth of July Parade on June 18th, Thanksgiving Day Parade on November 10th, and New Year’s Eve celebration on December 14th!