east village idiot

What the hell, you guys? Summer ends, and all of a sudden my entire audience just decides to stop commenting? I’ve given you dear readers gold over the past few days! GOLD, I TELL YOU! Look at my mock MTA job posting! It’s great! Even another blogger said so! And said blogger is a heterosexual male, so he’s not even trying to get in the sack with me!

I mean, I understand. It’s after Labor Day. Summer is over and you guys are busy with real, actual work again. But I’m still bustin my ass for you guys to keep you entertained during an otherwise mundane workday. It’s a thankless job, really.

I tell ya, I get no respect.

So come on, folks. Comment. This is a blog! It’s an open forum! And quite often, it’s been an open forum to mock me and everything I write. So just because I give you something funny and well-written, you’ve got nothing to say?! Shame on you! And you have the nerve to call yourself Internet Commenters! Internet Commenters have something to say no matter what, regardless of its relevance. You’re all just poser Internet Commenters. Pathetic.

eastvillageidiot.com is undergoing some plastic surgery as we speak. Come back on Monday. Or, browse now if you want, but be warned that there are still some kinks being worked out.

Be warned: eastvillageidiot.com will be down for most of the weekend. The only thing you’ll see in this space over the weekend is the Friday Funnies. Shed a tear, I know.

The blog is getting some plastic surgery. Once its scars have healed, it’ll be back up in the same space on Monday.

After a visit to the hospital, a couple days of bedrest, and many doses of steroids, I’m back in the game and back to work tomorrow.

I just hope the Commissioner of Blogging doesn’t test for performance-enhancing drugs.

Side note: outside of this blog’s title, this week’s top Google search term leading to my blog has been “glory holes in New Hampshire,” probably because of this post. I don’t think I can help you there, fellas.

But I do know of a couple people who probably can:

After spending a great deal of today in a hospital and being hopped up on a whole bunch of drugs, I don’t exactly have the energy to write much of anything.

In the meantime, I’ll leave it to my clever commenters to wildly speculate on what medical ailment I have. Go nuts.

I’ve just learned that this post from last week has become a chain letter that’s circulating around the Intarweb.

If you happen to get it forwarded to you, let ‘em know the source! And gloat about how you read it first.

So, I’m about to sound like a total jackass here. And my apologies to those readers of mine who take this seriously. There’s a topic that I need to talk about. Another blogger finally broke the silence on this topic a couple weeks ago in a much more straightforward manner. I’m not straightforward. I would rather make backhanded remarks in the form of mockery. So, here - in rough form - is an e-mail that lands in my inbox roughly five times a week:

Oh my God! Is this you? Is this really you, the East Village Idiot? I just found your blog and I think it’s totally awesome. I can really relate to a lot of the stuff you write about. You’re such a good writer! Additional insincere praise here. Sorry, I cannot pull my lips away from your ass.

So, I have a question. I was thinking… I have a blog, and you have a blog. So, can we, like, ”trade links?” You know… I’ll link to your blog on my blog and you link me back! You should check out my blog! I’ve got a picture of my 6-month-old baby girl drooling in my header, a photo album from my last vacation to Branson, Missouri, and a story about how my cat loves to play with the ball of twine in my backyard in suburban Omaha, Nebraska!

But I’m not going to link to you unless you link to me. And you should totally link to me! I’m sure all of your readers would love to waste time clicking on the link in your blogroll to my blog, spending time reading my meaningless drivel, leaving completely unenetertained, and demanding 2 minutes of their life back.

After this, I’m going to e-mail that Jason Mulgrew guy who writes a funny blog I read once and tell him that he should link to me, too. Maybe I’ll e-mail Gawker, too. But I’m not linking them unless they link me back! They’d be total jerks not to link to me. So would you.

Okay, well, thanks in advance! Catch you on the Internets!

The blogroll is a service to you, the reader, offering blogs that I enjoy reading and hope that you will enjoy reading, too. Please, take advantage of it. Cherish these links - I’m rarely pleased with the crap I find in the World Wide Webiverse.

The temperature at which bloggers publish posts without titles that only contain photographs of warm travel destinations.

The temperature at which bloggers demand that all neighbors, including the elderly and handicapped, shovel their sidewalks clear of snow within 30 minutes of the first snowflake falling.

The temperature at which bloggers complain to their readers about the lack of heat in their apartments, rather than to their landlords or the city.

The temperature at which bloggers express their displeasure with the slush puddles at city street corners.

The temperature at which bloggers complain about the city’s mandate that they smoke outdoors. Also, the temperature at which they swear on their blogs that this is the year they’re going to quit smoking.

The temperature at which male bloggers plead for the quick return of warmer weather to New York, so that they may ogle the scantily-clad women in public.

The temperature at which bloggers from warm, southern climates complain about how they’re the only ones they know who think it’s “cold” outside.

The temperature at which bloggers inexplicably find no fault with New York City and proclaim that it is the most beautiful city in the world.

The temperature at which male bloggers openly welcome the return of warmer weather to New York, so that they may ogle the scantily-clad women in public.

The temperature at which bloggers document their trips to beach communities outside of New York by retelling a story of a nightmare travel situation that was the fault of a New York Public Agency.

The temperature at which bloggers choose to express their displeasure with the lack of ventilation in the subway in the heat of the summer, despite its year-round lack of ventilation.

The temperature at which bloggers complain about their non-air-conditioned apartments, despite the presence of a dozen businesses selling such appliances within 3 blocks of their homes.

The temperature at which bloggers boil over with anger and post only in all CAPS about everyday mundane situations that would be tolerable at any other temperature.

The temperature at which bloggers post links to apocalyptic religious blogs.

Does that picture in the sidebar make me look fat? No, really. Because I’ve been called a “fat f*ck” and an “ugly fatass” in the past week in my comments.

Travis
January 29th, 2007 at 2:54 pm  
Do you really think second hand smoke is the thing that is taking years off your life? Are you sure the problem is not that you a fat f*ck? Just wondering????

chris
January 27th, 2007 at 4:46 am 
you’re old, you’re fat, you like beer, and you’re wearing that stupid baseball cap/hat - whatever you call that piece of sh*t. anyway, no need to be jealous with your mediocre salary and lack of attention in this society. i’m sorry your subjectivity lacks meaning. UGLY FATASS.

Not that I mind. I find it amusing when people read my blog, disagree with what I say, and then call me fat. Really, it totally bolsters the legitimacy of their arguments!

In other news, it seems to me that a lot of New Yorkers want to die early deaths. I was unaware of this until my post on Monday about secondhand smoke elicited such dark comments:

ratbloodonher
January 29th, 2007 at 2:43 pm  
us smokers are doing you a favor. who wants to live to be old anyway? old people are gross and give me a queasy feeling. by blowing smoke in your face i am taking years off your life. YOUR WELCOME.

Darkwaters
January 29th, 2007 at 3:49 pm  
Let’s face it, most of the people walking the earth today really need to have time taken off the lives. That goes triple for New Yorkers, obnoxious lot that we are.

Nice to see that we all have such a positive outlook on life.

While some commenters ponder how long I should live, it’s nice to know there are others who can step in and attempt to test my will to live at all:

Jessica
January 24th, 2007 at 3:34 pm  
I hate people like you.

Thanks! I hate you, too!