east village idiot

Or, you know, maybe you could use your fancy smartphone in your right hand and its stylus in your left hand to look up a restaurant’s phone number and save yourself the money.

What do you think went into creating this ad?

“Hey, 411 use is WAY down.”

“I have an idea! Let’s put the very reason that nobody uses 411 anymore IN OUR AD FOR 411!”

Am I the only one who finds this ad’s co-opting of a name for a Breast Cancer awareness event incredibly inappropriate?

Dear lord, Accuquote. Could you be any more obvious at toying with people’s emotions?

Crying babies in a life insurance ad? Tasteless, because they’re trying to get you to buy something.

Crying babies in an anti-smoking ad? Tasteful, because they’re trying to get you to stop buying something.

How do you figure, Delta Airlines? At its widest point, it might take me 45 minutes to swim across the East River. A boat is much faster. I could drive over a bridge, and even with gridlocked traffic, I’d still make it from shore to shore in less than an hour. A gentle jog over the Brooklyn Bridge could take 20 minutes. A chopper ride would place me in Brooklyn or Queens in minutes. And yes, even with 30-minute headways during the overnight hours, you can still make it across the East River on the subway in less than 40 minutes.

The shortest flight Delta offers from New York to a destination south of the Equator would put you in Sao Paulo, Brazil 10 hours and 15 minutes after takeoff from JFK. So, Delta, unless you also offer some sort of magical teleportation, your claim doesn’t stick.

In fact, it would be physically impossible for me to use Delta to cross the Equator faster than the East River, since I would have to cross the East River just to get to the international terminal at JFK.

Someone really didn’t think this one through.

Not technically wrong, but quite awkward. Were they out of Os and Fs?

Five… five dollar… five dollar twelve-inch subs.

An informal poll of all my friends and co-workers seem to point to this being the best ad from the Super Bowl… in my social circle, at least:

Gawker called this one of the worst ads, and I wonder what they’re smoking over there. I’m guessing they’ve never had a job they hated before.

The koala holding the coffee cup gets me every time. It’s one of the only bright spots in an otherwise miserable year for Super Bowl ads. Sure, there were other noteworthy spots, but the ones that got the most attention are entirely my least favorites. For example, USA Today’s Ad Meter winner? The Free Doritos ad. Have I gotten too old for this? I don’t find any humor in a snow globe to the groin. Sure, maybe fifteen years ago, but not anymore.

What were your favorites? Discuss.

Hey, Pepsi, way to know your audience. We don’t call it “pop” here. In fact, we despise the people who call it “pop” and tell them to go back to the Midwest. We call it soda here. We always have, and it’s been that way for a long time. There’s an O in soda, but I don’t see any subway ads saying “SODA.”

Oh, I stand corrected. You use the word “soda” once, in the phrase “SODAPOP.” We don’t call it that, either, idiots. We’re not backwoods hicks from the hills of Kentucky, we’re NEW YORKERS. Did you ever keep that in mind, since you were, you know, making SUBWAY ADS?

For the record, the word “POP” was featured 8 times by Pepsi in this one subway car. We New Yorkers know when a phony is trying to hawk their products to us. I’ll be drinking Coke from now on. That’s the only soda I drink.

The Defendant: Manhattan Mini-Storage (see also: the Sarah Palin ad)

Count 1: Improper use of accent marks on letters in an English word with intention to mimic dictionary pronunciation key. Carries sentence of reading Unabridged Oxford English Dictionary from cover to cover.

Count 2: Egregious use of one aforementioned accent mark to add stress to incorrect syllable. Carries sentence of mandatory enrollment in Hooked on Phonics program.

Count 3: Use of Comic Sans. Carries sentence of 25 years to life in typeface prison.

Bad clip art use. No, little girl, you’re doing it wrong. You’re sitting too close! STEP AWAY FROM THE MONITOR!

 Sitting that close is bad for your eyes. You’re gonna go blind, kid! ConEd clearly doesn’t care about this little girl’s eyesight. 

Okay, so that’s not their responsibility. And, if she starts losing her eyesight, she’ll need brighter lights in her room when she’s older. Brighter lights = more wattage = PROFIT!