east village idiot

Here’s a review of HBO’s John Adams that ran in today’s amNewYork:

Yeah, um, crack that textbook again, because John Adams was our nation’s second president. You know how you could find that out? Go to Wikipedia and type “John Adams.” Here’s the first line:

John Adams, Jr. (October 30, 1735 – July 4, 1826) was the second President of the United States (1797–1801).

But honestly, why research the things you write about when you can just make stuff up?

A lot of people ask me why I’m so hard on amNewYork. They must think I have a personal grudge against someone there or, perhaps, they slighted me after I applied for a job there. The bottom line is simple: I just think this paper would be better run by a bunch of monkeys. And I can’t think of a better way to sum up why I think this paper is crap than by giving you a collage of the front pages of today’s New York newspapers:

In every other newspaper in New York, news of last night’s primaries is on page 1. In amNewYork, it’s on page 7. Even a bunch of monkeys know that Hillary’s victories last night deserve a front page headline. Heck, even a bunch of newborn triplets could figure that out.

I’d say that I rest my case, but it’s too much fun to stop now.

Ever since the Iowa Caucuses, I’ve rolled my eyes when amNewYork claims that the results of political primaries were “too late.” Apparently, amNewYork keeps the schedule of an old lady (but not the old gray lady, obviously) and has to go to bed before 9pm.

But wait! An INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT NEWS STORY took place last night and was included in today’s issue of amNewYork! The news didn’t take place until just before midnight last night, but it was front-page material today. What story could possibly warrant such importance?

Oh my God! Stop the presses!

Also, this story was on the local news page. I had no idea that they held the Oscars in New York this year.

Great job on the headline on page 28 of today’s amNewYork:

Seriously, how do they miss these mistakes? Do they have a spiteful copy editor who wants me to make this a daily feature?

Flashback: amNY Watch: Don’t Leave Me Hangin! (11/2/06)

On their amInsider page today, amNewYork had a guide to happy hours in the East Village.

If this place is in the East Village, I must live in the Financial District. amNewYork, how dare you suggest that this bar is in my neighborhood! It gives the East Village a bad name!

Coincidentally, in classic half-assed amNewYork fashion, the first featured bar on their list is the Village Pourhouse, a fratty neon eyesore down 3rd Avenue that’s owned by the same people who own Proof. Why search for an actual happy hour deal in the East Village when you can have some douchebag promoter tell you what bars to list in your newspaper?

Yesterday was Super Tuesday - one of the biggest news events so far in 2008. Here’s amNewYork’s coverage of the primaries from yesterday:

Page 7: Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, and Amy Winehouse.

Page 11: Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama.

It’s nice to see that amNewYork has its priorities in place.

This article was in today’s sports section in amNewYork, and it was probably written by either a 10 year-old, or a 29 year-old who lives in his parents’ basement on Staten Island:

Um, you’re not actually taking this seriously, are you? You do realize that it’s all staged, right?

I guess this is what happens to sports news in the first weekend without football in five months.

This morning’s amNewYork cover story is about a building in Lower Manhattan that is leaning! This is huge news. Why? Because nothing is better than making comparisons to the “strangely similar” Leaning Tower of Pisa. In fact, here’s a list of reasons how this building and the one in Pisa are “strangely similar:”

• The Lower Manhattan building is rectangular in shape and used for residential and commercial purposes, just like the Leaning Tower of Pisa, which is round and used as a belltower.

• The Lower Manhattan building is leaning 8 inches, just like the Leaning Tower of Pisa, which leans 144 inches.

• The Lower Manhattan building’s leaning was caused by construction of a condominium high-rise next door, just like the Leaning Tower of Pisa, where there was a boom in high-rise luxury real estate in 1173.

• The Lower Manhattan building was evacuated by the New York City Department of Buildings, just like the Leaning Tower of Pisa, which was evacuated by New York City Building Inspectors who travelled in a time machine back to the 10th Century.

• The Lower Manhattan building is held up with joists to keep it from leaning further, just like the Leaning Tower of Pisa, where the joists that keep it from falling over are magically invisible.

• The Lower Manhattan building will likely be condemned, torn down, and replaced with a Duane Reade, just like the Leaning Tower of Pisa, which is slated for demolition in 2009 in order to make room for Duani Ridi, the drugstore’s first international branch.

See that? They really are “strangely similar!” Who knew?

From today’s amNewYork:

A G-man? Really?! Which one? Eli Manning? Plexico Burress? Amani Toomer?

Actually, even though he’s hurt, I’m gonna guess that it’s Jeremy Shockey.

This morning, amNewYork broke a huge news story: the MTA is installing and testing projection screens with ads in New York City Subway stations.

This would be news… if they didn’t start testing these screens over three months ago. If you ride the subway in New York, you’ve probably walked through one of the hub stations where they’ve installed these. And if you read amNewYork, you probably ride the subway. If you haven’t seen these things, you must be blind. And if you’re blind, you’re probably not reading amNewYork.

Maybe their “exclusive” claim is to the news that the MTA is going to make money from these ads! Really? I thought the MTA was going to let companies advertise for free out of the goodness of their hearts!