The 24 Hours I Spent as an eHarmony Member
In a misguided attempt to move forward in the New Year, I decided to join eHarmony last Thursday. After all, communication was free this weekend! If it wasn’t, I probably wouldn’t have bothered. After all, it seems a bit ridiculous to put a price on the prospect of getting a date. Especially when that price is something in range of $20 to $30 a month. I’m not that desperate. And what if I commit to six months and I find my perfect match in six months and two days? Even worse, what if I commit to six months and I find my perfect match on day two? You just wasted money that could have paid for a fancy date for you and this perfect match. This is a clever business model they have, but it’s for suckers. And I am not a sucker.
Anyway, the first horror story I had heard about eHarmony was that it was far too easy to be rejected. Now, there are some very easy ways to get rejected, but I played it safe and answered the questions they asked in a very conservative manner, careful not to slip up and get the a big shot of the rejection juice before I could even get started. For example, my religious beliefs? “Spiritual, but not religious.” I’d say that’s fairly safe. I could have paid respects to my baptismal certificate and claim to be Catholic, but I may have ended up with a match that was pro-life and saving herself for marriage.
Once I was approved, I was excited to get online and meet all these people who matched me on 29 different emotional levels, a special matrix based on closed-ended questions, numerical representations of our personalities, and an algorithm of six ranking systems that drops the highest and lowest rankings of six coaches’ polls.
Total matches within 60 miles of New York: 2.
Both of them were in New Jersey. And not like Hoboken, but rather in distant towns I had either never heard of or had no idea how to pronounce. Clearly, this computerized data is flawed. I would never date a woman who lived in New Jersey voluntarily. And if this matching system is so sophisticated, it would have inferred that I don’t cross state lines to date. Unfortunately, it didn’t ask a question like that.
Dismayed, I decided to edit my profile a little bit. The profiles that eHarmony displays are so closed-ended that you can fill them to the brim with information and still feel as though your Facebook profile is more reflective of who you are as a person. For example:
Three things I am most thankful for:
1. My family
2. My friends
3. My job
Just about every single profile I ultimately ended up reading had precisely these answers. How else are you going to answer these questions? You’d pretty much be obnoxious if you put anything else. I am thankful for cable television. I am thankful for beer. I am thankful that I didn’t get jacked walking home drunk last weekend.
After revising my profile, I decided I’d try to add a bit of personality to these responses. For example, I answered:
Three things I am most thankful for:
1. Having a supportive family, i.e. my mom, who makes a mean chicken soup
2. Having great friends who have helped me through the thick, the thin, and the cheese-stuffed
3. Having a job, given the way I watch a friend get laid off nearly every week lately
This didn’t last long, because two minutes after submitting these responses, I got this e-mail:
Dear Chris,
During regular site maintenance, we noticed some content written by you that violates our terms and conditions. Here is what we found:
{ABOUT ME}Having a job, given the way I watch a friend get laid off nearly every week lately
Because this violates the terms and conditions that you accepted when you joined eHarmony, we have turned off your matching. You will not receive any further matches.
Yes, “get laid” is a phrase that is absolutely banned on eHarmony. Never mind that the next word is “off.” Never mind that the words preceding it are “watch a friend.” Oh, well, yeah, that’s pretty dirty. But if I was into that sort of thing, wouldn’t my matches have a right to know?
So, I was no longer receiving any matches. It’s eHarmony’s equivalent of getting put in time out. And that’s about when I threw in the towel.
Except that one of my matches contacted me. I felt obligated to answer her questions and send a set of my own. eHarmony forces you into this ridiculous and repetitive line of closed-ended generic questioning that, once again, gives you no opportunity to show your personality, wit, or charm. One of the questions I chose to ask:
2. On Saturday night, would you rather go to:
A) ballet/theater/symphony
B) a professional sporting event
C) a popular new movie
D) the latest dance club
She chose answer D. I don’t usually make snap judgments, but considering that any dance club - regardless of being the latest or not - is pretty much my own idea of hell, that was the end of that.
By Friday afternoon, eHarmony and I were through. I quit. I’ll stick to meeting women through more traditional channels. You know, like Twitter, Facebook, and this blog.
This entry was posted on Monday, January 5th, 2009 at 4:27 pm and is filed under General stupidity. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
January 5th, 2009 at 5:48 pm
Your Girlfriend is Ugly says:In the amount of time it took for me to fill out the eHarmony dating profile I couldn’ve given birth, read War & Peace and mastered Mandarin. By the time I got to the last page I was so exhausted I just said EFF IT and didn’t even finish!
January 5th, 2009 at 5:56 pm
Kelly Kreth says:A blog reader of mine just pointed out your entry on e-Harmony. I joined–for a few days—last year and it was a disaster. I had the same issues as you describe and then some. Getting out of membership is a NIGHTMARE. In case you wanted to read about some of the tastier e-Harmony tidbits I shared last year on my blog, here they are:
http://www.opendiary.com/entryview.asp?authorcode=C100878&entry=21483
January 5th, 2009 at 10:44 pm
i wear pants says:I pushed myself to finish the questionaire only to be matched with someone at my workplace. The end.
January 6th, 2009 at 8:53 am
Nancy says:Ugh. I hate people who drop in on blogs just to promote their own.
January 6th, 2009 at 9:22 am
Tina-cious.com says:Personally I wouldn’t give them money because they had to be forced to let gay people participate on their site.
There’s far too many free sites out there to bother.
Glad you didn’t pay money to deal w/ that!
January 6th, 2009 at 9:34 am
Jeff says:I tried an online dating service once. It led to meeting my first real-life stalker. I never tried online dating again.
January 6th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
Rob says:a buddy of mine took tried e harmony and got rejected, bunch of prudes:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/27579195@N08/3174600730/in/set-72157612244405216/
January 6th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
Todd says:I have to think that the “eHarmony approved” crowd in NYC is kinda small. You should start a nycHarmony site that caters to your readers!
January 6th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
LJ says:I found eHarmony expanded my knowledge of remove NJ, NY, and CT geography. Who knew these crevaces existed? For the heck of it, I looked up how long mass transit would be to these locations. Most of the time? Not surprising - N/A with a capital N and A. Other times, it was like 1.5 hours each way. Um, no. Yeah, no…
January 6th, 2009 at 6:55 pm
Clinton says:Whenever I’ve done the online dating thing, it’s always been through Craigslist. The freak quotient is a lot higher, but it’s free and you don’t have to put up with so much bullshit. Then again, you’re a lot more likely to meet someone that will stab you in the face, so… you know…
January 6th, 2009 at 9:27 pm
Gwin says:eHarmony is run by a bunch of fundies. That’s why:
1. there are so many Jebus questions
2. they get offended by the phrase “get laid”
3. they hate gays
4. there are so few people in the NYC area on it
the end.
January 8th, 2009 at 11:47 pm
Meredith says:I would answer “anything but D” but I’m taken, buddy.
January 11th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
why god hates me » Talking About Layoffs May Violate eHarmony’s Terms of Service [EHarmony] says:[…] The 24 Hours I Spent as an eHarmony Member [East Village Idiot] […]
January 11th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
DP says:Wannabe comic writer not taking the service seriously. Don’t you know “eharmony bashing” is so 2004?
January 11th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
Mike says:@DP - Don’t you know bashing people for bashing services is so 1999?
January 11th, 2009 at 7:34 pm
jim collins says:Even better Im 50 but I date young, but they only hooked me up with Grandma, and I dont date Grandma. They told me tough shit, thats who they wanted me to hook up with. Sorry I dont do mothballs, esp when my current girl is 25.
January 12th, 2009 at 9:59 am
Noelle says:I tried eHarmony a few years ago, but the matches sucked, so I deleted my account. It took me SIX MONTHS and a Better Business Bureau complaint to get them to stop sending me e-mails.
Funnily enough, I lived in southern New Jersey at the time, and most of the matches I got were in New York City.
January 12th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
Jeremy says:I live in a somewhat small town (Asheville, NC pop. 69,000) and was matched with my now wife on eHarmony who lived 6 miles from me. We are in the south, but far from bible beaters as Asheville is one of the most liberal towns in the south. There are many misconceptions, many of which are displayed in this article and the comments. After completing the battery of questions, you are matched with people. The author said there were only 2 matches. They aren’t going to give you all 1000 matches up front: they want you to evaluate the 2 you got and communicate or reject them for whatever reason. When you reject them, it asks for a reason and further hones your profile. My wife was somewhere around match #40 and she had been on dates with 2 others on eHarmony before we ever spoke which means we were both members at the same time and weren’t paired yet.
They also don’t hate gays. This is just ridiculous. Their algorithm is based on a psychologists 40+ years of experience observing men and women in relationships with each other. They don’t have the research from observing gay couples to create a successful algorithm, but I’m sure they could setup a website that fails at matching successfully and take money from gay people under false pretenses.
Also, I signed up for $60 for a 6 month membership. They run deals all the time. Like most dating sites, they have little overhead and most of your money goes to marketing to make the service better i.e. tv commercials. The only reason people get rejected is for giving inconsistent answers. If you actually know who you are and just answer questions consistently based on your Meyers-Briggs profile (which everyone has), there should be no problem getting accepted.
January 12th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
Daniel says:Seriously, why do people such as yourself seem to believe that gay folks are had to figure out? No algorithm is required. Gay people date the same way straight people do. It’s not rocket-science, oh great Eharmony shill.
January 14th, 2009 at 11:04 pm
Missy says:Screw you. You’d never date a woman who lived in New Jersey voluntarily? And for that I say thank you, the gene pool just got smarter and more attractive. Ass. Typical snot ass new yorker.
LOSER
January 15th, 2009 at 9:22 am
Chris says:Missy: And I thank you for proving my point about people from Jersey.
January 29th, 2009 at 10:11 pm
Claire says:I recently was rejected by e-harmony! I tried to figure out why…
One of the True/False statements on the questionnaire was: “I am frequently attracted to the physical beauty of the opposite sex.” I honestly answered “False.” I think they thought this meant I was a closet lesbian. But I’m straight!! I simply don’t go around staring at male beauty. I am more turned on by a man’s PRESENCE and manliness.
There was another question, about whether I ever feel “people are out to get me.” Well, I honestly answered “sometimes.”
As for religion, well, I actually do attend mass weekly, and I said so, but apparently that counted for nothing!
!!
A couple of years ago, I was “accepted” by eharmony and I did get a suggested match. Like you, I also live in New York City (Queens.) The guy they paired me with lived about 50 miles away in Jersey. This doesn’t make sense. It’s not because I don’t like people who live in Jersey. It’s because I DON’T HAVE A CAR. I am totally bound by the NY subway system. There are thousands of single guys who live in NYC so why don’t they design the program so people can get paired with others who live in the same city?
If eharmony wants to market to New Yorkers, they need a consultant.
Eharmony is originally an evangelical site, I believe. I do believe it is their right to accept & reject whoever they wish, so I am not outraged that I was rejected.
March 30th, 2009 at 10:49 pm
renee says:I just found your blog, and had quite the laugh! I got contacted by 2 people on Eharmony this weekend.
I have my religon down as Other, and all the Monogomy quuestions I answered STRONGLY in the monogamy is important field.
The VERY first match I got was a man nearby who was a SWINGER and looking for of course a partnet interested in this. LOL.
The other who actually contacted me was from a man pretending to be local but was really looking to move from the phillipines. He BARELY spoke english from the communication, and made it VERY clear he was a christian and looking for the perfect vergin bride…. lol… I’m 25, and NOT a christian. Do you REALLY think I’m a vergin? I don’t think so!
August 31st, 2010 at 12:19 am
NRG Boys says:Nrg boys” a social networking site for gays is all set to make it’s mark in United Kingdom.
This site will allow users to express oneself with a avatar virtually.
Gays, Bi and Curious lads can upload their Profile, photos, videos, Blogs, news on their
home page. Site will have two types of members: premium members and free members. A freemember may any time upgrade his account to a premium member. Members will be allowed tocommunicate with each other through Messages . The members would be able to buy clothes,mobiles etc online.