east village idiot

Drinking in a Theocracy

February 12, 2008 – 12:59 pm

It’s amazing how a religion can literally run the government of Utah. Where it shines through the most, however, is in its drinking laws.

When I stepped off the plane, the first thing I saw was a giant stack of kegs on a hand truck. I got all excited. “Wow,” I thought. “Maybe I had Utah all wrong. Maybe there beer is just as plentiful as the wives!”

I was wrong.

After our first day of skiing in Park City, I sat down to have a beer with a few friends. We ordered up a round or two, and every time we did, our waitress asked, “did you need a food menu?”

After our third round, she questioned us again. “Are you guys going to order any food?”

We said we weren’t sure.

“Are you guys at least thinking about ordering some food,” she asked with a smile.

This was when we learned that in Utah, it’s illegal to order booze without food in a restaurant.

Of course, none of us were hungry. In Utah, I learned what drinking low-alcohol beer does to you: it makes you feel bloated long before it makes you feel drunk. All of the beer sold in restaurants or supermarkets is required to be 3.2% ABV or less (unless it’s local - for some strange reason, there’s a loophole that allows Utah-brewed beer to be up to 4.0% ABV).

Have you ever had a 3.2% (”three-two,” as they call it there) Blue Moon? It tastes like watered-down orange juice.

Can you get real beer? Sure. You can go to a “private club.” That’s a place where you pay for a membership (usually, about $4) and get to drink in a bar that serves real alcohol. But still, there’s no free pour - hard drinks are limited to one ounce of liquor, and wine is limited to a five-ounce pour.

You can also buy real beer in a state-controlled liquor store. You can buy some really exotic beers there, in fact. “You have to check out this new beer,” the clerk at the Liquor Store said, “it’s called Hoo-garden. It’s pretty good. It’s from Europe.”

You want to try that exotic beer? It’ll cost you.

Let’s say you were at a bodega in New York City. If you were so lucky to come across a six-pack of Harp or Guinness, how much do you think you’d pay for it? Imported beer runs un about $2 a bottle at bodegas, so it’ll cost you $12 even.

At the State Liquor Store in Park City (and presumably, everywhere else in Utah, since the state sets the prices), a six-pack of Guinness or Harp was $13.74. Where does all that money go? Back into the coffers of the Theocracy of Utah, who charges an 86% markup on what they call “heavy beer.”

No wonder everything is so clean in Utah… the government is rich off alcohol and drunk with power.