east village idiot

Liveblogging an Early Morning Flight

February 7, 2008 – 12:38 pm

This morning, I’m flying out to Utah to ski for a few days. Before I do that, however, I have to experience the joy that is a 6:50am flight out of JFK. After my nightmare experience getting to JFK last time, I chose a rather unconventional method for getting there: a cab to Penn Station, then LIRR to Jamaica Station, then - god willing - a working Airtrain to my terminal.

Odds are I won’t post this until after I actually land in Salt Lake. So I guess it’s not really a Liveblog. But if the airlines would enter the 21st century, I would be feeding you updates directly from my flight.

4:50am: I was warned that leaving around 5am might screw me over because it’s the middle of the taxi shift change. Not only did I get a cab right away, I got a hybrid cab. Those things are quiet. You know, except for the cabbie chatting away for the entire trip in another language on some two-way radio.

5:01am: I’ve arrived at Penn Station, where about 50% of the people in the station are asleep on the floor, under the age of 30, and still drunk. I’d feel bad for them, but they made the choice to live on Long Island, so I don’t.

5:11am: My LIRR train to Ronkonoma is on time. A younger-looking guy rushes down the stairs and jumps onto the train just before the doors close. He sees me sitting in a seat with my luggage, and asks, “does this train go to Newark Airport?” The doors close behind him as I say, “no.” I should have said, “are you an idiot? Do you normally just hop on any old train at Penn Station and then ask where it’s going?” I’m willing to bet he missed his flight out of Newark.

5:22am: My train is sitting idle on the tracks somewhere between Woodside and Jamaica. Oh hell no. I will not stand for this. This is not going to be like January all over again.

5:23am: Oh good, we’re moving again.

5:32am: I’ve managed to figure out a system of getting a useful Metrocard for the Airtrain. A couple weeks ago, I bought four Airtrain rides on a new Metrocard. That would cost $20, but you’d get $4 in bonus if you bought a $20 Metrocard. What good is that when I have an unlimited monthly pass? Instead, I buy a $16.70 Metrocard. With the 20% bonus, I get $20.04 - just enough for four rides, with a few pennies to spare.

(Effective March 1, I will have to spend 70 cents more to get 4 rides, even though the price of the Airtrain isn’t going up at all. Eat it, MTA.)

5:48am: “YOUR RESERVATION REQUIRES ADDITIONAL ASSISTANCE. PLEASE GO TO TICKET COUNTER,” reads the self check-in kiosk. Oh boy, here we go.

5:59am: “It says you need an upgrade certificate,” says the ticket agent.

“I requested an upgrade for my flight back, but I was waitlisted. Are you sure it’s for this leg?”

“Well, it’s asking for an upgrade certificate for this leg.”

I’m trying to keep my cool here with biting sarcasm. “But I’m flying coach for this leg. What, am I upgrading from the cargo hold?”

This comment is not met with laughter.

6:05am: A supervisor finally comes over, tells her to punch in a few codes, and suddenly, everything is fine. “The computer was just telling us that you’ve been waitlisted for your upgrade.” So, it was asking for an upgrade certificate for an upgrade that I’m not entitled to?

6:10am: While the line for security is only about 20 deep, they are using one X-ray machine and one metal detector for this entire terminal. I love the efficiency of airports.

6:12am: A man is standing in line panicked that he’s going to miss his flight. He asks Delta agent if he can skip the security line so he won’t miss his flight, which departs 40 minutes after mine.

6:20am: The TSA agent at the front of security gave me an oddly suspicious and awkwardly long glance after checking my ID and boarding pass. After a few seconds of uncomfortable eye contact, I tried to break the silence by saying, “how ya doing?” That just made things more awkward, because I already said that when I walked up to her. My tone probably also suggested that I was hitting on her.

And before the question is asked: no, she wasn’t hot.

6:31am: I know I’ve mentioned this on my blog before, but does anyone else notice that flights to and from New York seem to take forever to load? The line is all the way up the jetway. It’s probably because some stupid bitch is taking her sweet, sweet time arranging her carry-ons, her purse, her coat, her makeup bag, her iPod, and her headphones while carrying on a cell phone conversation and blocking the aisle for everyone else.

6:35am: I think I was right. Several times over.

6:51am: An on-time departure!

6:59am: This might be a small miracle. Words I have never heard uttered by a captain on a flight departing from JFK: “we are third in line for takeoff.”

7:32am: “We have many breakfast food options available for purchase today for $6.”

“You can purchase movies on our in-flight entertainment system for $5.”

“You can purchase games on our in-flight entertainment system for $5.”

“You can purchase headphones for use on this and other flights for $2.”

If you listened long enough, you might think that the flight attendant’s announcement was literally a satire of airline announcements. But she was completely serious.

8:15am: There’s a song on the in-flight entertainment system by Daughtry called “Crashed.” I’m not the superstitious type, but I’d rather not listen to that song while sitting in a hunk of metal flying through the air at 500 mph.

10:23am (MST): I’m in Salt Lake City after sleeping for most of the flight. The airport is horribly bland, there are lots of people wearing cowboy hats, and everyone is crowded around the TVs because of the news report that Mitt Romney is dropping out of the Presidential race.

Welcome to Utah, for sure.