East Village Idiot’s Predictions for 2008
January 21: Still baffled by 2007’s maple syrup and natural gas smells, a new scent wafts through New York City. The scent is White Diamonds by Elizabeth Taylor, placed in a large container in the Hudson River that corrects its spray to prevailing winds.
February 29: I am forced to move to Brooklyn after the rent on my 3-bedroom, 650 sq. ft. East Village apartment rises 85% to $5500/month. After I move out, the apartment sits on the market vacant for six months, and I become a phony by maintaining my blog’s current title.
March 2: The MTA fare hike goes into effect. Coincidentally, the same day, a freak rainstorm shuts down service on the 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, A, B, C, D, E, F, G, J, L, M, N, Q, R, V, and W trains, as well as the Times Square and Franklin shuttles. Strangely, the Z train remains running just fine.
April 16: The Knicks lose 108-67 to the Indiana Pacers and finish the season with a record of 10-72. Isiah Thomas is still not fired.
May 2: Mayor Mike Bloomberg buys out an entire night’s worth of primetime television on all three networks to campaign for president. He also pays $200 million to hire back the entire cast of Seinfeld to perform an all-new episode with a twist that leads to George Costanza endorsing him for president.
June 11: In a strange twist of fate, the T-Mobile store in the West Village that replaced the infamous rat-infested Taco Bell itself becomes infested by rats.
July 20: Former New York Yankee Jim Leyritz goes 3-for-4 with 2 HRs and 5 RBIs in the annual Everglades State Prison softball game in Miami.
August 8: After a week with highs in the low 70s, the high temperature in New York soars to an all-time record of 112 degrees. Then the power goes out, and it’s 1977 all over again.
September 19: The Mets begin their annual season-ending ten-game losing streak.
October 25: A complete media frenzy takes place as the temperature drops below 32 degrees in New York City for the first time this season. WCBS devotes full round-the-clock coverage of “ICED IN 2008.”
November 7: President-elect Mike Huckabee announces his plan to evacuate Staten Island permanently so it can be repurposed. Its new name will be “Island of the Lost AIDS Patients.”
December 31: The new energy-efficient Times Square ball malfunctions after one of its LED lights burns out. You know what they say: one light goes out, all 9,576 go out.
This entry was posted on Wednesday, January 2nd, 2008 at 11:02 am and is filed under News. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
January 2nd, 2008 at 11:16 am
eric the beehivehairdresser says:Costanza!!!
January 2nd, 2008 at 9:19 pm
TROiSi says:Are you a Huckabee supporter? Bloomberg supporter?!!
January 2nd, 2008 at 10:15 pm
Ha Ha Sound says:Happy new year!!
And you forgot to mention that, after you move out of your apartment, the whole building gets knocked down. Overpriced condos are built in its place. Investment bankers move in. And a Chase branch goes in on the ground floor.
January 3rd, 2008 at 3:45 pm
Your Mom. says:Your November 8th prediction scares me to death. Do people like/trust him because of the dimple?
January 5th, 2008 at 4:01 pm
Michael Leggett says:& that’s The Mets with a 7 Game Lead, leading to fans not waiting for Shea To Close before Fans start ripping the Place Apart.