east village idiot

Steal This Idea: Early Departures

December 12, 2007 – 3:11 pm

So let’s say you’ve got a really, really early flight out of one of New York’s airports. Say, 7am or earlier. According to FAA guidelines, you should be there one hour before the flight. So, you have to be there by 6am at the earliest. It’s a good 30-45 minutes in a cab to these places, so that puts you at 5:15am. You figure you need time to get out of bed and gather your belongings, too, so now we’re at 4:30am. And that’s for a 7am flight.

I propose a new business that makes this process much easier. You make a reservation, and the night before, an employee visits your apartment. First, the employee folds and packs all of your items tighter than a laundromat can. Next, the employee places a small nebulizer in your room that gives you just enough nitrous oxide to keep you asleep until you are scheduled to arrive at the airport. You, as a customer, are instructed to sleep in the clothes you wish to wear the next day. You sign a waiver, hand over your keys, and then drift off to dreamland.

Early the following morning, the employee re-enters your home, takes you out of your bed, and places you on a stretcher. The stretcher is wheeled out to one of the company vehicles (suggestions: a hearse or an ambulance with a top-of-the-line suspension system to make for a smooth ride). You sleep in comfort until you reach the airport, where you are politely lulled out of your sleep by a soothing voice and vibration, offered a cup of coffee, and dropped off curbside at the airport. The skycap checks your luggage (tip included in the service), and you walk straight to security while feeling well-rested and ready for your trip.

Okay, this is a little out of hand. But in a city with servies to wash your laundry, walk your dog, and do your gift-buying, wouldn’t it be nice to sleep through those early morning hours without waking up, looking at your clock, and screaming, “OH, SHIT?”