east village idiot

Well, I’m on the hunt for a new roommate. The process seems to be going smoothly so far (no crazies, please!), but it feels like I just went through this. Although my roommate this time around was far more tolerable than the one chronicled below, I couldn’t help but be reminded of something I wrote last time I went through this ordeal:

Questions I Want to Ask Potential New Roommates, Based on Experiences with the Roommate He Will Be Replacing

• Does your entire diet consist of white bread, cold cuts, and protein shakes?
• How many casual sex partners do you plan on having in your bedroom on a weekly basis?
• What percentage of those casual sex partners do you meet online: (a) 100%, or (b) less than 100%?
• What is your policy on hearing loud, rowdy sex noises? Is it consistent with your policy on generating loud, rowdy sex noises?
• Does your sexual deviance suggest that I should not sit on your bed, out of fear of acquiring an STD?
• A hypothetical question: if there were 15 people in the apartment drinking and socializing, would you (a) acknowledge their existence and greet them, or (b) lock yourself in your bedroom and slip out quietly when everyone is gathered in the living room?
• Another hypothetical question: if I were to knock on your bedroom door, would you yell “come in” every time, despite the fact that you always lock your bedroom door for no apparent reason?
• Do you wash used plastic plates and silverware in the dishwasher?
• Do you consistently forget to put items back into the freezer that you removed, resulting in a puddle of melting popsicles on the top of the refrigerator?
• Will it be revealed months later that you are obviously a 70 year-old woman trapped in a 25 year-old man’s body, given your use of Aqua-Net?
• Did you know you could use your debit card like a credit card?

These questions don’t apply this time around, although I could ask this one during my current roommate search:

• Do you plan on abandoning me, landing a gig in Miami Beach, and moving there in January while I suffer through the cold and snow of another New York winter?

That’s just to put him on a guilt trip, though. Really, I’m happy for him. I swear.

(I hope there’s a deep freeze in Miami and you forgot to pack winter clothes, you lousy son of a bitch!)

This entry was posted on Tuesday, December 4th, 2007 at 5:18 pm and is filed under Life in NYC. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.