east village idiot

An Important Message from Your Fire Safety Director

November 28, 2007 – 7:29 pm

Attention, attention! This is your Fire Safety Director.

This morning, we are conducting fire drills on every floor of the building. Please disregard all alarms at this time until further announcement - unless it’s your floor that’s having a fire drill. Don’t disregard that alarm, but disregard all the others. If there is an actual emergency, we will tell you via the intercom system, which you typically drown out with your iPod, since we are typically conveying useless information like this message via the intercom system.

At the time of the fire drill, we will sound an alarm. Do not panic when you hear the alarm, as this is only a drill. Actually, we know you will most likely not panic when you hear the alarm. You will more likely curse the alarm out for interrupting an important business phone call, or ignore the alarm altogether and wait for everyone else around you to get up and pretend that this is an actual fire. That is perfectly fine, as long as you do something when the alarm sounds. The worst action is inaction.

Once the alarm sounds, please proceed to the elevator lobby on your floor. This will be the location in which you will report in the event of a fire drill. If this was an actual fire, you would not report to the elevator lobby. Once in the elevator lobby, we will tell you where you would go if this was an actual fire, along with a brief safety announcement mandated by New York City Fire Codes. In order to make this drill quick and efficient, we will stuff all 100 people on your floor into an area that only safely accommodates 10 people - an action not mandated by, and quite possibly in violation of, New York City Fire Codes.

In the event of an actual fire, you will proceed quickly and orderly to the nearest stairwell. Before you open the fire door to the fireproof stairwell, check the door to see if it is hot. If the door is hot, there is a fire in the fireproof stairwell, and you are totally screwed.

There are three stairwells in this building: stairwells A, B, and C. Stairwell A runs to the main lobby. Stairwell B runs to an area opposite the main lobby. Stairwell C, which has never actually been used by anyone in roughly 23 years, runs to a dark alley in the back of the building in which you will become trapped in the event of a fire. We recommend using Stairwell C, as Stairwells A and B will be heavily used by the Fire Department in the event of an actual fire.

There are two Fire Wardens on this floor. Would you please raise your hands?

…

I see that the Fire Wardens are not here. They may have had their offices moved to another floor. In the event of an actual fire, these wardens will instruct you exactly where to go in the emergency. They will proceed to the Fire Warden phone, where they will call the Fire Safety Director and have small talk about the weather and how the Knicks did last night. They will also sweep the entire floor, including all storage areas and restrooms, for those incapacitated by a disability, a slip or fall, or a sudden bout of explosive diarrhea. Always follow the directions of the Fire Wardens. Never take your own action, as these Fire Wardens - who have received no formal training - know better than you. They are your only hope for getting out of this building alive.

Please follow these instructions and take them seriously, as they could save your life. Thank you for pretending to listen to this announcement. You may now return to your tinderbox of a cubicle to continue your workday.