Creepy Cult-ish California Chains
There are a lot of chains that are unique to the West Coast. Often, West Coast transplants in New York will brag about their local specialties and proclaim, “dude, I wish they had [fill-in-the-blank with some restaurant, grocery store, or other business].” When a non-Californian mentions these chains, Californians will bow down to those who have recognized these chains’ greatness. These chains need little introduction, because you’ve probably heard about them from every single goddamn Californian that lives in New York. Here are a few that I won’t be patronizing:
Red Robin (fast food): Red Robin, Red Robin, your greasy burgers send a stroke to my noggin.
Ralphs (supermarket chain): I refuse to purchase my groceries at a store whose name is another word for puking.
Fatburger (fast food): Hey, let’s name our burger chain for the one thing that makes people hesitate to eat our burgers!
The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf (coffee shop): Hey, you know how obnoxious it is that New York has a Starbucks on every corner? Well, L.A. has a Starbucks and a Coffee Bean on every corner.
California Pizza Kitchen (pizza… barely): It’s not pizza; it’s a piece of bread with random toppings on it. The same way that Hollywood tarnished the good name of Tom Cruise, CPK has tarnished the good name of the pizza. Okay, okay… Tom Cruise tarnished the good name of Tom Cruise. But CPK ruined pizza.
Carl’s Jr. (fast food): Most people were offended by their racy TV ad with Paris Hilton because it was inappropriate for young viewers. I was offended because they hired Paris Hilton.
This entry was posted on Wednesday, October 10th, 2007 at 8:58 am and is filed under On the Road. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
October 10th, 2007 at 10:05 am
Sally Tomato says:You need to find a Carl’s Jr. Jr. Not kidding. It’s like a mini drive thru of Carl’s Jr. Like a 7-11 or something. My question is, why didn’t they just call it Carl’s III? That’s the correct naming convention.
October 10th, 2007 at 10:49 am
T-Squared says:Just so you know, we midwesterners (southern midwesterners at that) are all cool and stuff. We have Red Robin, we have CPK (although they do suck at pizza) and we have a Carl’s Jr. which is actually called Hardee’s here! You could also say we had a Ralph’s but it was called a Kroger’s and it’s bankrupt now.
October 10th, 2007 at 11:15 am
Abbie says:#1, you have never eaten Red Robin, nor did you see one while you were here. #2, compared to the “real pizza” californians believe holds a finger to east coast pizza, CPK is heaven on a slice. Also I see no post about your “bitchy-ness”. I think that’s key…
“RAAAAIIIIDEEEERRRSS.”
October 10th, 2007 at 12:40 pm
steve says:Red Robin, CPK, and Fatburger have all made it to the NY area.
Red Robin is meh. Much better burgers to be had.
I don’t care what any Californian tells you: CPK sucks, and anyone who tells you otherwise also just told you that they’re not qualified to judge pizza.
Fatburger is are good, not great. They’re all about the name.
I see little difference between Carl’s Junior and McDonalds. Both are crap, deal with it.
October 10th, 2007 at 12:49 pm
Chris says:Steve: That’s the point. Californians are not qualified to judge pizza. And that’s why they speak so highly of CPK.
October 10th, 2007 at 1:10 pm
adr says:we have a red robin here in georgia.
October 10th, 2007 at 2:57 pm
Ha Ha Sound says:Californians aren’t fit to judge anything. What a waste of good land that state is. CPK is horrible, and you described it exactly right: bread with random toppings.
No wonder CA is filled with Scientologists and celebrity murderers. Bad pizza will do that to a person.
October 10th, 2007 at 3:01 pm
Brooklyn Bitch says:Right on about Starbucks and Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf. Last time I was in LA (which was a long time ago), I could not believe the sheer quantity of these crap-holes. And, I just LOVE how all the LAians have shit to do except drive from one commercial coffee house to another commercial coffee house and bitch about failed auditions all day.
Get a job fuckers, like, for serious.
October 10th, 2007 at 3:08 pm
j$ says:carl’s jr used to have the slogan “if it doesn’t get all over the place, it doesn’t belong in your face” and they’d show an overstuffed burger squirting out of the bun as someone eats it. gross.
there’s a CPK somewhere over near bloomingdales.
October 10th, 2007 at 4:00 pm
Matt says:“dude, I wish they had In-N-Out!!!” Blasphemous that you not bring up the greatest west coast establishment!
October 10th, 2007 at 4:04 pm
Chris says:Matt: But I actually like In-N-Out! The rest of these aren’t worthy of being spoken so highly of.
October 10th, 2007 at 4:12 pm
Matt says:Ahh, I see next time I will read w/ greater detail. ty
October 10th, 2007 at 10:14 pm
ruby says:i totally agree with you about “ralph’s.”
i mean, SERIOUSLY?
October 12th, 2007 at 11:56 am
quin says:but, ralph’s has great products.
aside from that, california does, indeed, have that great burger from inNout… what can you say about a place that really gives you no choice, an amazing burger and a bib?
for almost nothing?