east village idiot

I’m wearing button-fly jeans today. I hate button-flies with a passion, but these jeans looked too good on me and were too good of a deal to pass up.

I’m just wondering why anyone makes anything with a button-fly anymore. It’s not like a zipper is unsightly. It kind of just hides out there, behind that flap. The invention of the zipper made the button-fly unnecessary. Does anyone own a rotary phone anymore? No. So why does anyone still own a pair of button-fly jeans?

One of my friends tried to defend the button-fly by telling me it was easy to pull down during those, you know, important times. Easier than a zipper?! Absolutely not. Now, admittedly, some people - especially men - could argue that a button-fly is helpful for avoiding those extremely painful incidents when their junk gets caught in the zipper. But that’s generally only caused by carelessness and drunkeness - and a drunk probably couldn’t button up a button-fly to save his life.

I know this from personal experience. Last week, while I was wearing these same jeans, I went into a bar restroom with two urinals and a sink. While I was doing my business, another guy came into the restroom to take care of his own. I finished up my business, and went to zip up - but then remembered I had a button fly. At that moment, I knew this was going to be the beginning of a long ordeal.

First, I tried to squeeze the first button through the buttonhole to no avail. I would push it through, and it would pop right back out. I would squeeze it through halfway, and with just one simple movement, it would slide right back, exposing my boxers for all the world to see. This button was not going to button. I was flailing my arms in all directions trying to get this button in place. I can’t help but wonder what the other guy in the restroom thought I was doing behind the urinal divider. I gave up on the first button for the time being and moved onto the second one. This button was easier to handle and went through on the very first try. But my first button was still unbuttoned. I went back to it again, but it was no use - this button was not going through anytime soon.

At this point, because it took me so long to button up my fly, the other guy in the restroom was standing there awkwardly, waiting his turn to use the sink. Eventually, I just gave up, washed my hands, and walked back out into the bar with my fly unbuttoned. At that moment, I realized that it’s a wonder why I - or anyone, really - ever buys button-fly jeans. And after that, I realized how grateful I should be that I wasn’t freeballing.

This entry was posted on Monday, September 24th, 2007 at 12:45 pm and is filed under General stupidity. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.