Resume of Ethan Carter Rutherford III, Age 2
March 7, 2007 – 12:20 pmThe New York Sun reported today that desperate parents are now submitting resumes for their children as they apply to exclusive pre-schools in the city.
Ethan Carter Rutherford III
120 E. 74th Street, Penthouse B, New York, NY 10021
OBJECTIVE
To pursue a Pre-School diploma at a top-tier institution that will properly prepare me for the challenges that await in the following 12-20 years of education. Also, to learn my ABCs and count to 10.
EDUCATIONAL EXPERIENCE
Kids at Art (New York, NY): December 2006-Present
Develop artistic ability with various mediums, such as finger paint, construction paper, giant crayons, and felt. Artwork has been displayed on online web gallery and my mommy and daddy’s refrigerator. Received praise for not eating the paste.
Broadway Babies Class (New York, NY): January 2007-Present
Dance and sing with my mommy every week for 45 minutes. Wear silly hats. Beat on bongo drums. Sing along to “Circle of Life” from The Lion King while professionally-trained musicians perform. Was recognized for learning some of the words and not breaking the instruments.
Art Farm In The City (New York, NY): January 2006-December 2006
Attended weekly classes to pet bunnies, hamsters, and turtles. Danced to music with rattles. Received distinctions for not being afraid of running under the parachute and being quiet during story time.
Sonic Yoga Kids (New York, NY): September 2006
Went to Yoga class with my mommy like a big boy. Did not like it. Cried a lot. Calmed down. Pretended I was a tree. Cried again. Made poopy and had to leave.
SPECIAL SKILLS
Currently in the process of potty training, learning to tie shoelaces. Able to clear plate from the dinner table. Trained to drink out of a cup without a sippy top. Can touch my tongue to the tip of my nose. Able to act like a big boy when going to see the doctor. Can spend several hours with my friends without missing my mommy.
REFERENCES
Furnished upon request.
12 Responses
stupid kid! there’s no need to put references available upon request- it’s generally understood. i’m waitlisting you. -admissions director
By on Mar 7, 2007
My resume looks EXACTLY the same.
By on Mar 7, 2007
It’s never good to make poopy during a yoga class. I feel your pain, young Master Rutherford.
By on Mar 7, 2007
I feel that he is overqualified for this Pre-School
By on Mar 7, 2007
clearly his stints at ‘Broadway Babies’ and ‘Kids at Art’ shows a complete lack of focus and commitment to an artistic discipline. Sadly, I think it’s the thin envelope for Master ECR III…off to public school with you, son.
By on Mar 7, 2007
My pre-school resume kicked your pre-school resume’s ASS.
By on Mar 9, 2007
This heralds the end of Western Civilization as nothing else.
By on Mar 10, 2007
Hey Ethan — interested in venture capital? who needs school, anyway, I’ll give you unlimited teletubbies, spongebob and, once you get a few exits I’ll get you an Xbox…
By on Mar 11, 2007
Obviously your child is well suited for Peabody’s Pretentious Pre-School. We offer lessons in Gucci wearing, hip music-listening and nose down-looking. Check it out.
By on Mar 12, 2007
Would be funnier if it weren’t so true. But there are more and more of us who are resisting all this pressure and stupidity, and trying to just relax and let our kids be kids. If you’ve got wee ones, check out my site http://diypreschool.blogspot.com
By on Apr 19, 2007
I hereby resurrect this posting from last year, due to its pure awesomeness.
By chris hollander on May 16, 2008