east village idiot

intelligent and unintelligible thoughts about life in these five boroughs

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Having No Resolve

resolutions.gifIt’s New Year’s Resolution time! As a courtesy to you, I will not bore you with my own resolutions (mainly because I haven’t made any), but I will instead make warnings to you regarding New Year’s Resolution season.

For the next three weeks, the following places will be significantly busier than usual:

  • your local gym
  • The Betty Ford Center
  • Smoking-Cessation Clinics
  • Credit Counseling Service offices
  • Alcoholics Anonymous/Cocaine Anonymous/Gamblers Anonymous/Marijuana Anonymous/Narcotics Anonymous/Overeaters Anonymous/Sexaholics Anonymous/Shoplifters Anonymous Meetings
  • the salad line at your local sandwich shop
  • Carnie Wilson’s House of Oversized Weighing Scales

Immediately following those three weeks, those locations will return to their normal levels of business, when everyone slacks off as a result of the inevitable mid-winter blues. On the bright side, for the next three weeks, the following places will be virtually empty:

  • smoke shops
  • Cold Stone Creamery
  • your neighborhood bar
  • SoHo on Saturdays and Sundays
  • Volunteering Addicts Anonymous Meetings
  • stores selling “hand-crafted glass for tobacco use only“
  • The Rush Limbaugh Center for Weight Gain and Illicit Drug Use

Happy New Year! Did you make any outlandish resolutions? Share them in the comments, and I will hold you to them at knifepoint.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, January 2nd, 2007 at 3:00 pm and is filed under Food and Booze. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

8 Responses to “Having No Resolve”

  1. January 2nd, 2007 at 3:58 pm

    says:

    I think your predictions are spot on. Resolutions are made to be broken, it seems.

  2. January 2nd, 2007 at 4:50 pm

    says:

    The Rush center should be back by Monday.

  3. January 2nd, 2007 at 4:56 pm

    says:

    Cold Stone Creamery should be empty all year round.

  4. January 2nd, 2007 at 5:44 pm

    says:

    My only major New Year’s Resolution sounds like “Da, Na, NA! NA! NA!!!” (that’s my attempt to spell out the opening chord of Ironman Intro :) )

  5. January 2nd, 2007 at 7:34 pm

    says:

    I resolved to mock everyone who makes resolutions.

  6. January 3rd, 2007 at 1:32 am

    says:

    I don’t do resolutions that is unless you count my ongoing struggles to finally end my on again off again relationship…

  7. January 3rd, 2007 at 4:06 pm

    says:

    I’m gonna kill someone at the gym. It’s an exercise in futility for those “Resolved” people, and dammit, I’ve been there all this time, and I’ll keep on keepin’ on long after they turn their temporarily slim assses back to old habits come March. Haven’t they seen the statistics? Sheesh. However, the ice cream stock at my deli is surprisingly high, which is a nice change, seeing as they usually run out of my favorite flavours every 2-3 days.

  8. January 3rd, 2007 at 5:32 pm

    says:

    Well, have an affair with an international jewel thief and stalk a cute rugby player, but those are not really outlandish, are they?

    Wait, you are kidding about “at knife point,” right?

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