A ‘Hood By Any Other Name
November 17, 2006 – 12:28 amOh, New York City neighborhood names: manufactured by real estate scum and delivered directly to you. Sure, there’s the now-overused East Village (somebody shoot me), the completely misleading East Williamsburg (somebody shoot me, seriously), and the long-standing East New York (somebody has probably already shot me). But there are also those in-between neighborhoods - the ones that straddle the border between two ‘hoods with names - where slumlords have also gotten creative. There’s BoCoCa, GraMurray, and Prospect-Lefferts Gardens, just to name a few. But too many in-between areas in New York have gotten overlooked. So, I’ve taken it upon myself to bestow a name upon some areas that get lost in the New York City neighborhood shuffle.
First up, Hell’s Kitchen. It’s the neighborhood that is defying the re-naming tradition. Some real estate agents have the nerve to call it “Clinton.” What a boring, non-descript name with no respect for the recent history of the ‘hood. But what’s up with the “kitchen?” What about the rest of the apartment? Well, “Hell’s Bathroom” has to be somewhere, and I know exactly where it belongs:
Next, we head to Brooklyn, where the neighborhoods of Kensington and Borough Park are worlds apart. One is a quaint yet heterogeneous residential community, while the other is one of the largest Orthodox Jewish communities outside of Israel. Clearly, there needs to be some transition here:
Over to Queens we go, where Hollis and Fresh Meadows sound like places that are worlds apart. But I propose a great way to unite these two neighborhoods:
Back to Southern Brooklyn, where its proximity to both the beaches and a subway line that stops at West 4th Street provides a great backdrop for a new satellite gay neighborhood in Brooklyn:
Finally, we head over to the vast wasteland that is Red Hook. For too long, the residents of The Point’s well-kept rowhouses have tried to distance themselves from the eastern side of Red Hook, with its public housing and proximity to the disgusting Gowanus Canal and exhaust-spewing Gowanus Expressway. Well, their wish is my command:
15 Responses
Brilliant. Absolutely Brilliant.
By on Nov 16, 2006
nice!
By on Nov 17, 2006
lol! awesome.
ps i hate the name gowanus. isn’t it so ugly?
By on Nov 17, 2006
OK the neighborhood you so lovingly referred to as “Manwood” in Brooklyn is right around where my parents grew up. So thanks for that.
By on Nov 17, 2006
I’m going with Amish on this one.
This may be your best post ever. Nice work, yo.
Cue Gawker…
By on Nov 17, 2006
Chris,
I must say I’m somewhat insulted. Red Anus, my Carroll Gardens address is not.
For the record, no self-respecting resident would even think of referring to our area as BoCoCa.
xoxo - Z.
By on Nov 17, 2006
That Red Anus name gives me the willies!
By on Nov 17, 2006
you’re such a nerd!
By on Nov 17, 2006
ha, excellent post. but you forgot about the marketing genius behind calling the south bronx “sobro.”
manwood….awesome!
By on Nov 18, 2006
Hi, I found you via pinknest. I was roaring reading this. Funniest blog post I have read in a while!
By on Nov 19, 2006
You know some real estate scum will see this and use the names! Red Anus could sell!
By on Nov 19, 2006
Well done pinky.
By on Nov 19, 2006
Red Anus?
There’s a neighborhood named for A-Rod?
By on Nov 22, 2006
Hilarious! New York’s got real neighborhood names; I thought those fake, designery names were just a product of lazy Vancouver real estate agents, but I see the plague has spread.
The latest thing around here is to take an old neighborhood like, say, Dysfunction Junction, and give it a New York-ese name, like in this case SOMA. The Brave New World reference is lost to the Yuppies.
By on Nov 22, 2006
I can just see Bushwick being broken up into the area along Broadway as NoBro & So Bro( North of & South of Broadway);
Then again, the area of Yankee Stadium would be called “A-Hole.”
By on Nov 27, 2006