Perfectly Reasonable
President Bush said today that there was “a reasonable chance” that the U.S. could’ve shot down a North Korean missile headed towards North America. Reasonable, you know, because the system is nowhere near fully operational and what does exist only works about 20% of the time.
Standing by the President’s logic, here are some things that have “a reasonable chance” of happening to me this weekend:
I will meet Lindsay Lohan when she stops me on the street to tell me she is a huge fan of my blog.
I will be forced to buy new bedding, as a weasel set loose in my apartment building will enter my bedroom and destroy my sheets.
I will fall victim to a black bear in Central Park, who will not maim me with his claws and teeth, but rather with a cordless electric saw.
I will acquire a rare flesh-eating sexual disease from Paris Hilton without being anywhere near her.
I will fall madly in love with a girl and fly to Vegas, where, inspired by our first date movie - Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest - we will get married in a pirate-themed ceremony.
I will return home to discover that my apartment is infested with koala bears - hungry koala bears - and worse, I have no eucalyptus. As a result, Mitch Hedberg will roll over in his grave.
I will start a game as the Designated Hitter for the Long Beach Armada, after an embarassing mix-up sends Jose Canseco to my company softball team.
I will win the New Jersey Lottery.
This entry was posted on Friday, July 7th, 2006 at 3:32 pm and is filed under Politics.
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July 8th, 2006 at 4:42 am
says:I actually know Lindsey Lohan and showed her your blog. She loves it!
And what’s this about a koala bear infestation? Are you lifting Mitch Hedberg’s material, even after he’s dead.
July 8th, 2006 at 12:43 pm
says:Yes, I am. Because despite his death, it’s still the cutest infestation ever.
July 8th, 2006 at 6:02 pm
says:Come here…let me hold you…feed you a leaf…
July 9th, 2006 at 3:41 am
says:Amish, I hope you’re talking to the koalas, and not me.
July 10th, 2006 at 9:54 am
says:How was the wedding, Captain Sparrow?
July 10th, 2006 at 11:04 am
says:Heelarious.
Hey guess what? Kathleen attacked someone else on the phones this morning… Amie. A newbie. Thought you’d appreciate a blast from the scary past.
July 11th, 2006 at 12:56 am
says:Actually, that fourth one seems fairly likely.