July 7, 2006 – 3:32 pm
President Bush said today that there was “a reasonable chance” that the U.S. could’ve shot down a North Korean missile headed towards North America. Reasonable, you know, because the system is nowhere near fully operational and what does exist only works about 20% of the time.
Standing by the President’s logic, here are some things that have “a reasonable chance” of happening to me this weekend:
I will meet Lindsay Lohan when she stops me on the street to tell me she is a huge fan of my blog.
I will be forced to buy new bedding, as a weasel set loose in my apartment building will enter my bedroom and destroy my sheets.
I will fall victim to a black bear in Central Park, who will not maim me with his claws and teeth, but rather with a cordless electric saw.
I will acquire a rare flesh-eating sexual disease from Paris Hilton without being anywhere near her.
I will fall madly in love with a girl and fly to Vegas, where, inspired by our first date movie - Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest - we will get married in a pirate-themed ceremony.
I will return home to discover that my apartment is infested with koala bears - hungry koala bears - and worse, I have no eucalyptus. As a result, Mitch Hedberg will roll over in his grave.
I will start a game as the Designated Hitter for the Long Beach Armada, after an embarassing mix-up sends Jose Canseco to my company softball team.
I will win the New Jersey Lottery.
7 Responses
I actually know Lindsey Lohan and showed her your blog. She loves it!
And what’s this about a koala bear infestation? Are you lifting Mitch Hedberg’s material, even after he’s dead.
By on Jul 8, 2006
Yes, I am. Because despite his death, it’s still the cutest infestation ever.
By on Jul 8, 2006
Come here…let me hold you…feed you a leaf…
By on Jul 8, 2006
Amish, I hope you’re talking to the koalas, and not me.
By on Jul 9, 2006
How was the wedding, Captain Sparrow?
By on Jul 10, 2006
Heelarious.
Hey guess what? Kathleen attacked someone else on the phones this morning… Amie. A newbie. Thought you’d appreciate a blast from the scary past.
By on Jul 10, 2006
Actually, that fourth one seems fairly likely.
By on Jul 11, 2006